Stress and Silence

If you received the number of emails that I do about stress in the workplace you would be as worried as I am. Let’s face it, life is stressful anyway. Living with your spouse or partner in marriage or a long-term relationship is stressful. Brining up children is stressful. Driving the car is stressful. Shopping is stressful. Even keeping up with the news is stressful.
All of that pales into insignificance when compared to the stress we feel at work. What is more, we cannot leave it at work, it comes home with us, it goes to bed with us. It haunts us. About a quarter of the people who write to me seeking help and advice are suffering from stress at work. What’s it all about?
Let’s get rid of one myth right away. Stress is nothing to do with hard work. In fact, quite the opposite. Hard work often relieves stress, when what you are doing is purposeful, focused, understood and you feel properly equipped to handle it. When I was young I used to work on farms in my school holidays. In those days we didn’t have the huge mechanical aids to farming that we have today. It was very hard physical work. And wonderfully satisfying. Exhaustion from bringing in the harvest or sowing the winter wheat or producing a tanker full of milk was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced.
No, it’s not hard work that causes stress, although people often think it is. It is badly thought out plans, ill-defined purposes, poor training, inadequate resources, personal animosities that cause all the trouble. Most of all it’s fear. Fear of being bullied, fear of losing your job, fear of not getting the promotion you so badly want or need.
How can you cope with all these worries?
Rule One is to find someone to share your anxieties with. A problem shared may not be a problem halved but sharing makes it more bearable and produces a rational analysis of the issues. Facing your problems is half the battle to solving them. But only half the battle. You still have to find solutions that make work fun and rewarding.
Difficulty is that there are not may people you can talk to. Your spouse is often potentially too affected by the issues you have; you may not want to worry him or her. Your children, if old enough to understand, are ‘too busy’. Your best friends may be part of the organisation for which you work and sharing your fears with them may only make matters worse. And somehow sharing anxieties is often (quite wrongly) though of as losing face.
So you don’t share the stress and you live in a silent darkness from which, you sometimes feel, you may never emerge. Unfortunately, the very worst thing you can do when you are stressed out is keep it to yourself. If you do that the bogey that is scaring you simply gets more and more frightening. It can even lead some people into a nervous breakdown.
Finding someone to share your anxieties and worries with is vital. Obviously you need someone intelligent – a fool will probably make matters worse by failing to understand that you need reassurance, not depressing forecasts of worse to come. You need someone wise who has been through it all themselves and knows the pain of isolation and the agony of a muddled head. You need someone analytical. Taking your fears to pieces and setting them out on the table is a good way to discover how real they are and what it is practical to do about them. You need someone who will stand by you when you have to make brave moves to put your stress behind you. Support is a much misunderstood aid to making life tolerable.
Most important of all you do not need silence. The isolation of stress, whatever its cause, is what does real damage. You need sympathy, closeness, warmth and advice. You will only get those from another person. It doesn’t matter whether that person is a professional – someone like me who mentors people all the time – or a good friend who is willing to spend time listening to the problems.
Stress is like a swimming pool. It may look daunting but the water is warmer than you think. You always underestimate your ability to swim. But don’t go into the swimming pool alone. You need someone there with a helping hand, just in case. You probably won’t need it. But it’s reassuring to know that it is there if you do.
Next time I’ll discuss the issues of being bullied – the most common cause of stress at work.
Wisdom is the reward you receive for a lifetime of listeningwhen you'd rather have been talkingAristotle
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Mentors listen first and most, ask questions second, analyse third and then advise.