Although we learn from the past, it influences our future by making us weary of taking risks. I'm sure most of us have had our share of bad experiences and have sworn that we would never get hurt again. Women rip photographs of their boyfriends when their men upset them. You don't need to be told that men and women react differently to heartache, but one thing will never change: the ultimate vow that this will never happen again. Never ever again......
No one can undermine the pain and frustration felt when a lover breaks your heart. Heartache is the worst and shouldn't be bestowed upon even your worst enemy. While getting back into the game of dating and relationships after a past relationship seems frightening, it also serves the purpose of meeting new people to get your mind off the past. But the "past" never seems to leave for good and creeps up from the woodwork once you decide to become close with someone new.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Annoying things men do
I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy.
Number 1
We leave a wake of empty containers
While we have no problem taking out our trash, we will go to almost superhuman lengths to avoid having to fill them up in the first place. We'll pour water into near-empty shampoo bottles to maximize whatever's left; we'll leave behind a thimbleful of milk in the carton instead of throwing it out. Heck, we'll even leave a toilet paper roll with one square remaining and wipe with our shirts if we have to. So long as there's just a teeny, tiny bit left, we won't be the ones responsible for disposing of it and, more importantly, buying a replacement.
Number 2
We splash the mirror when we brush our teeth
Let's face it: We're territorial creatures at best. If it were socially acceptable, we'd pee on all of our possessions just to scare away other men (maybe not on our supply of beer, but you get the idea). Therefore, leaving behind a little white glob of toothpaste after we've brushed is just our way of marking our territory. It says, "I've been here and I'm cavity-free."
Number 3
We leave hair in the sink after shaving
While we might like the result of a clean, smooth face, all men hate the actual process of shaving. It's time-consuming, painful and a miserable way to start the day. Therefore, as a sign of protest, we elect to leave our pesky little beard trimmings in the sink to show 'em who's boss. Women might hate it, but it's our way of celebrating victory in the battle against unwanted follicles.
Number 4
We use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one
When asked about his habit of taking baths, Winston Churchill once replied, "Why stand when you could sit?". The same rationale applies to the use of multiple glasses. Why use the same dirty, germ-ridden glass time after time when you could enjoy a crisp, sanitized one whenever you like? Not only is it healthier, but using different glasses for every drink helps us calculate if we've consumed our recommended eight daily doses of water. Besides, what fun is there in having possessions if you never use them?
Number 5
We pee on the toilet seat
Granted, this is one of our least pardonable offenses, but it wouldn't have to be if women simply left the toilet seat up in the first place. Ladies claim that it's good etiquette to leave the seat down, but the opposite is actually true. Consider this: Since women need to sit down to relieve themselves, it's easy for them to bring the seat down with them in one fluid motion. We men, on the other hand, have to bend down, lift the seat, begin peeing, and then bend down again to return the seat when we're done. We go to the washroom to pee, not to perform calisthenics.
Number 6
We litter the ground with laundry
"A place for everything and everything in its place," they say. Well, that's a nice idea, but who has the time? It's far more fun to throw our clothes here and there as if a bomb went off in our closet. Not only is it faster to treat the floor like a giant laundry basket, but we can amuse ourselves for hours afterwards as we dodge and deke our fallen clothes while moving from room to room.
Number 7
We don't do housework
When it comes to home repairs and renovations, men are king. We're unequalled in our ability to fix basement steps, patch up aluminum siding and build spice racks. When it comes to cleaning, however, we're lowly paupers without the faintest inclination to pitch in. We'll lift our feet if we have to, and we'll even move the odd piece of heavy furniture, but our contribution ends there. Hey, if God had wanted us to sweep and dust, he would have given us feathers instead of fingers.
Number 8
We burp & fart indiscriminately
Scientists and academics often comment upon what a shame it is that we use only 10% of our brains. For most men, the same reasoning applies to our sphincters and throats. Like any other part of our body, these muscles need to be kept in shape. And there's simply no better way of doing it than burping the alphabet or heating up a "Dutch Oven" under the sheets. Women needn't be disgusted by our behavior. In fact, they should be flattered that we're comfortable enough around them to risk sharting ourselves. At the end of the day, isn't that what love is all about?
Number 9
We develop a martyr complex when we get sick
When women get sick, they take the appropriate medicine and bivouac themselves in bed with a hot compress and a good book. When men get sick we go into a Shakespearian death throe, certain we're on the verge of sputtering out our last breath. We collapse wherever is convenient, be it on the bed or on the front lawn, and mutter, moan and groan until we've scared off every living creature (and turned on every male dog) in a six-mile radius. It's not subtle, but more often than not it gets us the attention we crave.
Number 10
We channel surf rapidly (and seemingly aimlessly)
As King of the Castle, we consider it our right to rule the remote control with an iron fist. For women, that means having to watch an endless parade of sports highlights, monster movies and home renovation shows. Making matters worse is the lightning-fast speeds at which we flip through the channels -- so fast as to trigger epileptic seizures seven households away. Hey, it's not our fault there are 501 channels.
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy.
Number 1
We leave a wake of empty containers
While we have no problem taking out our trash, we will go to almost superhuman lengths to avoid having to fill them up in the first place. We'll pour water into near-empty shampoo bottles to maximize whatever's left; we'll leave behind a thimbleful of milk in the carton instead of throwing it out. Heck, we'll even leave a toilet paper roll with one square remaining and wipe with our shirts if we have to. So long as there's just a teeny, tiny bit left, we won't be the ones responsible for disposing of it and, more importantly, buying a replacement.
Number 2
We splash the mirror when we brush our teeth
Let's face it: We're territorial creatures at best. If it were socially acceptable, we'd pee on all of our possessions just to scare away other men (maybe not on our supply of beer, but you get the idea). Therefore, leaving behind a little white glob of toothpaste after we've brushed is just our way of marking our territory. It says, "I've been here and I'm cavity-free."
Number 3
We leave hair in the sink after shaving
While we might like the result of a clean, smooth face, all men hate the actual process of shaving. It's time-consuming, painful and a miserable way to start the day. Therefore, as a sign of protest, we elect to leave our pesky little beard trimmings in the sink to show 'em who's boss. Women might hate it, but it's our way of celebrating victory in the battle against unwanted follicles.
Number 4
We use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one
When asked about his habit of taking baths, Winston Churchill once replied, "Why stand when you could sit?". The same rationale applies to the use of multiple glasses. Why use the same dirty, germ-ridden glass time after time when you could enjoy a crisp, sanitized one whenever you like? Not only is it healthier, but using different glasses for every drink helps us calculate if we've consumed our recommended eight daily doses of water. Besides, what fun is there in having possessions if you never use them?
Number 5
We pee on the toilet seat
Granted, this is one of our least pardonable offenses, but it wouldn't have to be if women simply left the toilet seat up in the first place. Ladies claim that it's good etiquette to leave the seat down, but the opposite is actually true. Consider this: Since women need to sit down to relieve themselves, it's easy for them to bring the seat down with them in one fluid motion. We men, on the other hand, have to bend down, lift the seat, begin peeing, and then bend down again to return the seat when we're done. We go to the washroom to pee, not to perform calisthenics.
Number 6
We litter the ground with laundry
"A place for everything and everything in its place," they say. Well, that's a nice idea, but who has the time? It's far more fun to throw our clothes here and there as if a bomb went off in our closet. Not only is it faster to treat the floor like a giant laundry basket, but we can amuse ourselves for hours afterwards as we dodge and deke our fallen clothes while moving from room to room.
Number 7
We don't do housework
When it comes to home repairs and renovations, men are king. We're unequalled in our ability to fix basement steps, patch up aluminum siding and build spice racks. When it comes to cleaning, however, we're lowly paupers without the faintest inclination to pitch in. We'll lift our feet if we have to, and we'll even move the odd piece of heavy furniture, but our contribution ends there. Hey, if God had wanted us to sweep and dust, he would have given us feathers instead of fingers.
Number 8
We burp & fart indiscriminately
Scientists and academics often comment upon what a shame it is that we use only 10% of our brains. For most men, the same reasoning applies to our sphincters and throats. Like any other part of our body, these muscles need to be kept in shape. And there's simply no better way of doing it than burping the alphabet or heating up a "Dutch Oven" under the sheets. Women needn't be disgusted by our behavior. In fact, they should be flattered that we're comfortable enough around them to risk sharting ourselves. At the end of the day, isn't that what love is all about?
Number 9
We develop a martyr complex when we get sick
When women get sick, they take the appropriate medicine and bivouac themselves in bed with a hot compress and a good book. When men get sick we go into a Shakespearian death throe, certain we're on the verge of sputtering out our last breath. We collapse wherever is convenient, be it on the bed or on the front lawn, and mutter, moan and groan until we've scared off every living creature (and turned on every male dog) in a six-mile radius. It's not subtle, but more often than not it gets us the attention we crave.
Number 10
We channel surf rapidly (and seemingly aimlessly)
As King of the Castle, we consider it our right to rule the remote control with an iron fist. For women, that means having to watch an endless parade of sports highlights, monster movies and home renovation shows. Making matters worse is the lightning-fast speeds at which we flip through the channels -- so fast as to trigger epileptic seizures seven households away. Hey, it's not our fault there are 501 channels.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Will you ?
Will You Marry Me?
Everyday I really felt like saying it out,But the words seems to be really hard enough,I can't stand the burden living without you, Oh No....
I really think you are the light of my life,When I see you it's like magic so bright,From that very moment I had fallen for you, Oh Yes...
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of dream, that I'll ever dream of,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,You really made me to love you, to love you so much,
Everytime I see you, I'll hide away,I'll feel shy and blush when you talk to me,I ain't brave enough to say these words aloud,
But then one day, I might get this chance,You'll look at me and smile in a way,I'll pull all the courage to say it out, aloud.. hmm...
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of thing that I've ever done,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,You really made me to love you, to love you so much,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of thing that I've ever done,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday really married you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,This dream of mine came true, finally came true...
Vincent Paul YongSomeday I Will Marry You
This is my very first song that I've ever written, back in the caveman days in the early 90's (1995 to be exact, WOW! 10 years!)
Kinda crappy isn't it? But to date, this song has been very close to my heart... Prolly, psychologically, deep inside me... there's a yearning within me to get married. LOL... It is a song I will definately sing on my Wedding Night!!
However that day will definately NOT be so soon after all, you'd prolly have to wait for ages! (like what my mom say, wait till neck stiff) ... However, my friends back in Third Form might have heard me singing this song. Guys, if you still have the Cassette Tape of my very first home recording.. its called "True Love." Hahahaha.. another crappy title for an album. Hahahha.. what to do, back in the 90's everyone was young, naive and desperately deprived of love. Well, its in that tape and also my second one "Time...Hope" which was ahem.. distributed for our Fifth Form farewell?? Go look for it.. it might just be a collector's item in the future.. WHO KNOWS? LOL... kidding.
Oh, By the way, That's Jojo Struys.... She's TO-DIE-FOR, who'll not fall for her head over heels and ask for her hand in marriage?!?! I KNOW I WOULD!
The Slacker OUT!
Everyday I really felt like saying it out,But the words seems to be really hard enough,I can't stand the burden living without you, Oh No....
I really think you are the light of my life,When I see you it's like magic so bright,From that very moment I had fallen for you, Oh Yes...
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of dream, that I'll ever dream of,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,You really made me to love you, to love you so much,
Everytime I see you, I'll hide away,I'll feel shy and blush when you talk to me,I ain't brave enough to say these words aloud,
But then one day, I might get this chance,You'll look at me and smile in a way,I'll pull all the courage to say it out, aloud.. hmm...
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of thing that I've ever done,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,You really made me to love you, to love you so much,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of thing that I've ever done,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday really married you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,This dream of mine came true, finally came true...
Vincent Paul YongSomeday I Will Marry You
This is my very first song that I've ever written, back in the caveman days in the early 90's (1995 to be exact, WOW! 10 years!)
Kinda crappy isn't it? But to date, this song has been very close to my heart... Prolly, psychologically, deep inside me... there's a yearning within me to get married. LOL... It is a song I will definately sing on my Wedding Night!!
However that day will definately NOT be so soon after all, you'd prolly have to wait for ages! (like what my mom say, wait till neck stiff) ... However, my friends back in Third Form might have heard me singing this song. Guys, if you still have the Cassette Tape of my very first home recording.. its called "True Love." Hahahaha.. another crappy title for an album. Hahahha.. what to do, back in the 90's everyone was young, naive and desperately deprived of love. Well, its in that tape and also my second one "Time...Hope" which was ahem.. distributed for our Fifth Form farewell?? Go look for it.. it might just be a collector's item in the future.. WHO KNOWS? LOL... kidding.
Oh, By the way, That's Jojo Struys.... She's TO-DIE-FOR, who'll not fall for her head over heels and ask for her hand in marriage?!?! I KNOW I WOULD!
The Slacker OUT!
to my boyfren
Through the fire, to the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire, through whatever come my way
For a chance at loving you, I'd take it all the way...
Right down to the wire, even through the fire
I was blue, just as blue as I could be
Ev’ry day was a cloudy day for me
Then good luck came a-knocking at my door
Skies were gray but they’re not gray anymore
Blue skiesSmiling at me
Nothing but blue skies
Do I see
BluebirdsSinging a song
Nothing but bluebirdsAll day long
Never saw the sun shining so bright
Never saw things going so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you’re in love, my how they fly
Blue days
All of them gone
Nothing but blue skies
From now on
I should care if the wind
I should care if the wind blows east or west
I should fret if the worst looks like the best
I should mind if they say it can’t be true
I should smile, that’s exactly what I do
For a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire, through whatever come my way
For a chance at loving you, I'd take it all the way...
Right down to the wire, even through the fire
I was blue, just as blue as I could be
Ev’ry day was a cloudy day for me
Then good luck came a-knocking at my door
Skies were gray but they’re not gray anymore
Blue skiesSmiling at me
Nothing but blue skies
Do I see
BluebirdsSinging a song
Nothing but bluebirdsAll day long
Never saw the sun shining so bright
Never saw things going so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you’re in love, my how they fly
Blue days
All of them gone
Nothing but blue skies
From now on
I should care if the wind
I should care if the wind blows east or west
I should fret if the worst looks like the best
I should mind if they say it can’t be true
I should smile, that’s exactly what I do
Men vs. Women
Handwriting:
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
jokes
Funniest Joke in the World (according to Yahoo! October 3, 2002):
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Runner Up:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Another Runner Up:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Still Another Runner Up:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
One More Runner Up:
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
And Still Another Runner Up:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Amazing - Another Runner Up:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.
Last Runner Up:
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”
thanks to this website
http://funny2.com/gifts.htm
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Runner Up:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Another Runner Up:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Still Another Runner Up:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
One More Runner Up:
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
And Still Another Runner Up:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Amazing - Another Runner Up:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.
Last Runner Up:
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”
thanks to this website
http://funny2.com/gifts.htm
Men rules part2
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
What To Say To Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?". Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family & Friends Plan, reply in as Sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" then hang up.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack you food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?". Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family & Friends Plan, reply in as Sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" then hang up.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack you food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
Employee Handbook
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
THANK YOU!
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
THANK YOU!
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
what women say and what they mean
ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Pick up lines
When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you.
Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!
You sure have a great looking tooth.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.
Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Falling for you would be a very short trip.
Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.
Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.
You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.
Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.
I think I’ve just found the angel I’d like to be touched by.
Can I lick that film off your teeth?
Don't be so picky....I wasn't!
You look a lot like my future wife.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
My name is [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
(Look at his / her shirt label) When they say, "What are you doing?", you say, "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Can you give me directions...to your heart?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll still make your bed rock.
Howard Daughters
Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!
You sure have a great looking tooth.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.
Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Falling for you would be a very short trip.
Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.
Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.
You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.
Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.
I think I’ve just found the angel I’d like to be touched by.
Can I lick that film off your teeth?
Don't be so picky....I wasn't!
You look a lot like my future wife.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
My name is [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
(Look at his / her shirt label) When they say, "What are you doing?", you say, "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Can you give me directions...to your heart?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll still make your bed rock.
Howard Daughters
Rules for Men
The female makes the rules.
The female is never wrong.
The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification
No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she has the right to immediately change some or all of the rules.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
The male must must always apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See above rule.
The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all
The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish
The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset
The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female
The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish
The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable
If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behavior she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior
Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Begging the female for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
PLEASE NOTE: These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law. New rules apply during different stages of a women's life.
The female is never wrong.
The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification
No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she has the right to immediately change some or all of the rules.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
The male must must always apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See above rule.
The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all
The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish
The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset
The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female
The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish
The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable
If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behavior she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior
Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Begging the female for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
PLEASE NOTE: These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law. New rules apply during different stages of a women's life.
rules for women
This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.
Friday, November 11, 2005
ikea
yesday i went ikea with my new bf .
his name is lawrence and he is so funny
he cracks up jokes juz to make me laugh.
will post up a pix of lawrence soon
his name is lawrence and he is so funny
he cracks up jokes juz to make me laugh.
will post up a pix of lawrence soon
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