http://www.frederiksamuel.com/blog/
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/
http://www.dotti.com.au/dotti.html
http://www.etsy.com/index.php
http://www.ds9r.com/dlog/about/
Saturday, January 21, 2006
50 cool things about being a man
1. Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rats-ass if someone doesn't notice your new haiircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work...more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding dress $2,000; tux rental $100
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"
19. One mood, all the damn time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
24. You can go to a public restroom without a support group.
25. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
28. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming.
34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking " he must be mad at me."
35. No maxi-pads.
36. You don't smooch off other's deserts.
37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
40. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
41. You almost never have strap problems in public.
42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
44. You don't have to shave below your neck.
45. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
47. You can "do" your nails with your pocket knife.
48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
49. Shopping for Christmas can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on the day before the holiday, in minutes.
50. The world is your urinal.
Ten things men know for sure about women :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rats-ass if someone doesn't notice your new haiircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work...more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding dress $2,000; tux rental $100
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"
19. One mood, all the damn time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
24. You can go to a public restroom without a support group.
25. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
28. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming.
34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking " he must be mad at me."
35. No maxi-pads.
36. You don't smooch off other's deserts.
37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
40. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
41. You almost never have strap problems in public.
42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
44. You don't have to shave below your neck.
45. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
47. You can "do" your nails with your pocket knife.
48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
49. Shopping for Christmas can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on the day before the holiday, in minutes.
50. The world is your urinal.
Ten things men know for sure about women :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Rules for Buying Gifts for Men
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told men do not stink, they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. They are almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. ! It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook, but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
----------
what a man hears when woman talks
What a Woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!
What a Man Hears:blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
german cars
A Message From Mercedes-Benz
We at Mercedes-Benz feel, that members of our UK operations could benefit from knowing certain auto terminology used by your German counterparts. This should avoid embarrassment at our inter-departmental meetings.
Therefore before the next technical meeting please make the effort to read and inwardly digest the following.
INDICATORS-------------------------------------Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
SPEEDOMETER-----------------------------Der Egobooster
PUNCTURE------------------------------------------Die Phatte mit Bludyfucken
LEARNER----------------------------------------------Die Twaten mit Elplatt
ESTATE CAR-------------------------------------Die Bagsromm fur Shagginkinauto
WINDSCREEN WIPER------------Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden
FOOTBRAKE--------------------------------------Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik
BREATHALYSER--------------------------Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen
SEATBELT--------------------------------------------Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper
HEADLIGHTS-------------------------------------Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud
FOG WARNING--------------------------------Die Puttenfuttendownen Fukit
HIGHWAY CODE----------------------------Der Wipen fur Arsen
TIRES----------------------------------------------------------Phlattfarts
TRAFFIC JAM-----------------------------------Der Bluddinfukkin damnundblasten
BACKFIRE---------------------------------------------Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fuckenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT----------------------------------Der Fukkengret trucken
ACCIDENT--------------------------------------------Der Bleedinmess
NEAR ACCIDENT-------------------------Der Fucken neer schittenselfen
CYCLIST--------------------------------------------------Pedalpushen pilloken
REAR VIEW MIRROR---------------Der Yokhunter TooKlosen
For your convenience, here follows a few examples on how to use these expressions in casual conversation:
"Mein Gott, der Klunkenklicken Fraulentrapper hat mein leben gesaved, when der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fuckenjumpen und on Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik gestomped."
meaning........
"My word, I'd be in a bad way had I not been wearing my seatbelt when the backfire caused me to apply a touch too much pressure on my footbrake."
"Das Pedalpushen pilloken hat der Fukkengret trukken's blinkenleiten tickentocken nicht geseht, und so hat ein Fucken neer schittensfelen gelagt."
meaning........
"The cyclist did not see the juggernaut signaling, and caused a near accident."
We trust that this information will make it easier for our UK colleagues to fully part-take in the upcoming discussions on a unified road-system for Europe.
We are particularly interested in the Swedish proposal, of phasing in right-hand drive, in the entire EU area, starting with only trucks and buses on January 1st next year. To be following on with larger cars and vans a month later, and finally moving all traffic over to RHD in time for the summer holidays.
We are looking forward to your continued support,
Mercedes-Benz
http://www.3oddballz.com/humor/gems/germans_say.htm
OREO PSYCHO-PERSONALITY TEST
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo's:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10, I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing.
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit
4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help -immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
Suspect your boyfren is cheating?
Here are some signs you should look for:
- The car's passenger seat is not in the usual position.
- There are an unusual number of hang-ups or wrong-number phone calls.
- His clothing smells like cologne or perfume.
- The car odometer shows unusual mileage.
- He recently opened another checking account.
- His clothes smell like smoke, and he doesn't smoke.
- He has a post office box.
- Credit card transactions appear for unknown or unusual types of purchases.
- Cosmetics, perfume, or lipstick purchases that you never received are listed on your charge statements.
- There's a sudden increase in toll or long-distance calls.
Friday, January 13, 2006
jokes
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
hahaha>>>
25 Facts about women
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
hahaha>>>
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand-J** $10.00
---------------------------------
Checking his wallet, he finds one single 10 dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-j**s?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am!"
The man replies, "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
hahaha>>>
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
When he arrived in the attendants' ladies' room, he found four marked buttons, next to the paper rolls:
WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to women, he disregarded what the flight attendant said, as his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.
He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice! So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
Ahhh, he thought, No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the plane's ladies' room.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
hahaha>>>
Signs that you are drunk
1- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2- You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3- Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6- You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?!?!?
8- You complain that you have two hands and just one mouth to drink with.
9- Every woman you see has an identical twin.
10- You fall off the floor.
11- The shrubbery around your house is drunk too, from frequent watering.
12- Your idea of cutting back is having less salt with your tequila.
13- Every night, you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
14- Roseanne looks good to you.
15- You've fallen and can't get up.
16- You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17- You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
hahaha>>>>
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be telling you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Sharon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
hahaha>>>
25 Facts about women
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand."
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rainforest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days' worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea of how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible." Hmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do not want an honest answer to the question, "How do I look?"
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that.) PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man women see is "Ken."
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast size.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have five pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have five pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels."
41. Women want equal rights, but they rarely want the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Only women understand the reason for "the good china."
43. If a man ticks off a woman, she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover that warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up, thus it constantly gets peed on by guys (which gets them in more trouble).
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt-leap toward the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, but you don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh my God, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
hahaha>>>
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason why e-mail is like a penis:
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!
hahaha>>>
pick up lines
You are a leader
I can almost hear you say: Who said so? I said so, but that’s not why you are a leader. You are a leader because we are all leaders. That’s what makes us so important. We all lead someone at some stage in our lives. So whether you like it or not, you must equip yourself to lead.
If you don't like the idea of leading, ask yourself why. Are you shy? If so, that’s just a form of arrogance and your life will improve beyond you wildest imagination when you get over it. Are you weak? If so, how did you discover that? Be careful, this is a trap. Remember the saying ‘Out of the strong came forth sweetness'? You can turn that round and say 'Beware of the gentle, when roused they can be very fierce'. A man who rants and raves is unlikely to do you harm. A man who is quiet, may.
When I negotiate with a group of people, I observe the quiet one, the one who sits there with apparently no interest in the negotiation. He is the person to engage because he is either making the decisions or representing the person who does so.
In a media-based world we have come to think of the noisy person as the most important. In terms of attention, they may be. Perhaps they have aspects which are pleasing to observe - looks, humour, wit, presence - but they are almost certainly not the people who are making the top spin. The quiet, often unassuming, will be the true leaders.
What should you develop in your search to be a good leader?
I think there are five aspects of leadership that are vital and often ignored.
[1] You must have a genuine interest in and concern for the people you are leading. If you are only interested in power for yourself, you will never make a good leader. That's why Tony Blair has failed in Britain. He sees those he leads merely as a source of votes to keep him in his powerful position from which he can dispense patronage to receive the adulation he so badly needs. Watch him talking to people. He is bursting to speak when he ought to be aching to learn.
I once saw a great leader lose his temper. He had been sorely provoked and he flipped. Afterwards, he was apologising for going somewhat over the top. He suddenly stopped his apology and looked very hard at the people to whom he was apologising. Then, very quietly, he said: 'I'm only angry when I care'. He was, of course, immediately forgiven and accepted back into the hearts of those he had offended.
[2] As evidence of concern and interest a leader must listen. Not just long enough for the other person to finish what they were saying but for long enough to get them to say what they were holding back. In a silence between a boss and his subordinate, the subordinate will always speak first. He or she is nervous of a void in the conversation. It's the words the subordinate says after the silence that matter. They are not the prepared speech, they are from the heart.
[3] A good leader must have courage. Kings who successfully led their armies into battle were at the head of the troop, not back at HQ waiting for reports. Warfare changes, but I did feel quite disgusted when we attacked Iraq and virtually all the 'top brass' stayed away, with one or two notable exceptions. That's about physical courage, of course. There is an equally important courage a leader must have. When he has listened to, and been concerned about, the people he is leading, he must decide. Sometimes his decision will not be immediately pleasing to the people he leads. He must still decide. Self-confidence is not arrogance. As a leader he is, or should be, the only person in possession of all the relevant facts. Each of us in our own lives has to make uncomfortable decisions affecting others. We need the courage to make those decisions with thought, with care, with compassion and with determination. The poor leader vascilates. Nobody like uncertainty. Better wrong than wobbly.
[4] Communicating is important for a leader but not nearly as important as the media would have you believe. There are always professionals to communicate for you or to help you to get your message across. The concept that leadership is all about spin and presentation is at the heart of the problems the democracies of the west are suffering. A good communicator is not always brash, glad-handing and extrovert. I have learnt at the feet of many who were tongue-tied and retiring, who spoke quietly and seldom, whose command of the smart remark was limited. The impression a great guru makes depends on what he says, not on how he says it. Oscar Wilde was a witty and enchanting person but he was no leader.
[5] Above all leadership requires judgement - of people, of facts, of situations, of time. He will need advisors. Can he pick the person who will tell him the truth without having to destroy the leader's self-worth? He will need to grasp inofrmation quickly. Can he distinguish between the relevant and the spurious? He will need to weigh up situations quickly while avoiding the trap of excessive haste. He will need to 'feel' the right time to do things. Brilliant ideas out of season are sawdust.
Do the qualities I have listed above seem daunting? They shouldn't. One of the truths about leadership is that almost anyone can become a leader. When my sister and I were very small children living in London during WWII my father was worried that we might get lost in the aftermarth of an air raid. He gave us good advice. 'Don't look to the big, important man to help you; he will be too busy helping himself. Look for the small, insignificant person. He or she will be more interested in helping you than caring about themselves'. The advice has proved useful ever since. After all, most of life is the aftermarth of an airraid or something similar.
You'll be a great leader.
Justice is love in action. Love is an attitude. Justice is its delivery.
If you don't like the idea of leading, ask yourself why. Are you shy? If so, that’s just a form of arrogance and your life will improve beyond you wildest imagination when you get over it. Are you weak? If so, how did you discover that? Be careful, this is a trap. Remember the saying ‘Out of the strong came forth sweetness'? You can turn that round and say 'Beware of the gentle, when roused they can be very fierce'. A man who rants and raves is unlikely to do you harm. A man who is quiet, may.
When I negotiate with a group of people, I observe the quiet one, the one who sits there with apparently no interest in the negotiation. He is the person to engage because he is either making the decisions or representing the person who does so.
In a media-based world we have come to think of the noisy person as the most important. In terms of attention, they may be. Perhaps they have aspects which are pleasing to observe - looks, humour, wit, presence - but they are almost certainly not the people who are making the top spin. The quiet, often unassuming, will be the true leaders.
What should you develop in your search to be a good leader?
I think there are five aspects of leadership that are vital and often ignored.
[1] You must have a genuine interest in and concern for the people you are leading. If you are only interested in power for yourself, you will never make a good leader. That's why Tony Blair has failed in Britain. He sees those he leads merely as a source of votes to keep him in his powerful position from which he can dispense patronage to receive the adulation he so badly needs. Watch him talking to people. He is bursting to speak when he ought to be aching to learn.
I once saw a great leader lose his temper. He had been sorely provoked and he flipped. Afterwards, he was apologising for going somewhat over the top. He suddenly stopped his apology and looked very hard at the people to whom he was apologising. Then, very quietly, he said: 'I'm only angry when I care'. He was, of course, immediately forgiven and accepted back into the hearts of those he had offended.
[2] As evidence of concern and interest a leader must listen. Not just long enough for the other person to finish what they were saying but for long enough to get them to say what they were holding back. In a silence between a boss and his subordinate, the subordinate will always speak first. He or she is nervous of a void in the conversation. It's the words the subordinate says after the silence that matter. They are not the prepared speech, they are from the heart.
[3] A good leader must have courage. Kings who successfully led their armies into battle were at the head of the troop, not back at HQ waiting for reports. Warfare changes, but I did feel quite disgusted when we attacked Iraq and virtually all the 'top brass' stayed away, with one or two notable exceptions. That's about physical courage, of course. There is an equally important courage a leader must have. When he has listened to, and been concerned about, the people he is leading, he must decide. Sometimes his decision will not be immediately pleasing to the people he leads. He must still decide. Self-confidence is not arrogance. As a leader he is, or should be, the only person in possession of all the relevant facts. Each of us in our own lives has to make uncomfortable decisions affecting others. We need the courage to make those decisions with thought, with care, with compassion and with determination. The poor leader vascilates. Nobody like uncertainty. Better wrong than wobbly.
[4] Communicating is important for a leader but not nearly as important as the media would have you believe. There are always professionals to communicate for you or to help you to get your message across. The concept that leadership is all about spin and presentation is at the heart of the problems the democracies of the west are suffering. A good communicator is not always brash, glad-handing and extrovert. I have learnt at the feet of many who were tongue-tied and retiring, who spoke quietly and seldom, whose command of the smart remark was limited. The impression a great guru makes depends on what he says, not on how he says it. Oscar Wilde was a witty and enchanting person but he was no leader.
[5] Above all leadership requires judgement - of people, of facts, of situations, of time. He will need advisors. Can he pick the person who will tell him the truth without having to destroy the leader's self-worth? He will need to grasp inofrmation quickly. Can he distinguish between the relevant and the spurious? He will need to weigh up situations quickly while avoiding the trap of excessive haste. He will need to 'feel' the right time to do things. Brilliant ideas out of season are sawdust.
Do the qualities I have listed above seem daunting? They shouldn't. One of the truths about leadership is that almost anyone can become a leader. When my sister and I were very small children living in London during WWII my father was worried that we might get lost in the aftermarth of an air raid. He gave us good advice. 'Don't look to the big, important man to help you; he will be too busy helping himself. Look for the small, insignificant person. He or she will be more interested in helping you than caring about themselves'. The advice has proved useful ever since. After all, most of life is the aftermarth of an airraid or something similar.
You'll be a great leader.
Justice is love in action. Love is an attitude. Justice is its delivery.
First impressions count
So if you plan responses to possible situations, you’ll come across poised, pleasant and polite.
Picture this. You’re shopping in a department store and a salesman comes up to you and asks: “Can I help you?”
You may have a very definite idea of what you want. Still, it’s still nice to be asked. But it becomes boring, even irritating, if you get pestered.
Similarly, when you meet someone for the first time, you should offer him or her help to judge you.
I don’t mean you should ask them if they need your help. Making judgments about people is different from buying cosmetics or computers.
But your body language signals should tell them that you are willing, even eager, to give them information.
How do you welcome people when you first meet them?
• Do you keep a straight face and approach them cautiously? (You never know what their agenda is, do you?)
• Do you welcome them with a smile? (Maybe that would send the wrong signal?)
• Do you avoid eye contact so that you make no commitment until you are more certain of them?
• Do you ignore them and continue talking to someone else?
Smiles are not always easy, but they do have the advantage of being cheap. You can teach yourself to smile.
A smile when you first meet someone is the way to tell him or her you are “open for friendship”. Any other response to being introduced is wrong.
What about being cautious, then? What about natural “reserve”?
Question: What do you want from someone you meet for the first time?
Answer 1: You want them to like you.
Liking is the first step in establishing true contact with another person. It is the secret of the good salesman, the good counsellor, the good doctor.
Liking is the first stage to admiration. If you are not liked, you have not reached the starting post of life. (Anyone who tells you that he does not want to be liked is either nuts or lying.)
Answer 2: You want them to be willing to help you, if necessary. Now or later.
Life is a system of mutual support. It is normally strongest between spouses or partners; next, between family members. But in a global village, everyone must be willing to offer support to everyone else.
Answer 3: You want them to think well of you.
At the very least, you want them not to dislike you. No point in making more enemies in this world; there are enough of them already without adding to the list.
A stranger makes a judgement about you the instant he meets you. It is always possible that he may change his mind, but it is quite rare for him to do so.
Once he has made the initial judgement, he looks for signs that confirm it. He has to be very convinced that he was wrong to change his mind.
Like it or not, that initial judgement is made on the basis of how you dress, how you walk, how you hold yourself, how your face looks, what you are doing with your hands, how you shake hands.
If you walk into someone’s office for the first time and drop your briefcase, bend over to pick it up, lose the spectacles off your nose and the pen out of your pocket and accidentally spill the contents of your briefcase, the person meeting you will conclude that you are clumsy and not very cool.
On the other hand, if you drop your briefcase, leave it on the floor, smile, say “clumsy”, walk over to the person you are meeting and shake him by the hand, introduce yourself and then carefully retrieve your briefcase, he will think you are very cool and not at all fazed by the minor accident.
Not everyone has the presence of mind to think quickly.
How often have we said to ourselves: “I wish I’d thought of a smart reply to so-and-so.” If you’d said it at once, it would have been effective. Say it later, and it sound like what it is — an afterthought.
If, like me, you are not too quick-thinking, it is essential to work out the responses to likely situations before they arise.
There is a simple way to do this. Imagine finding yourself in an unfamiliar situation. Think through each stage and what might happen. Then think of your response.
If you want to do this systematically, make a “map” like this:
WHAT I’M DOING: Sitting quietly in a café, enjoying a cup of coffee and reading a magazine.
WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN: A stranger comes up and greets me like a long-lost friend.
MY REAL REACTION: Who on earth is this?
MY OPTIONS: Ask who the person is.
Smile and repeat my own name.
Apologise and say “Sorry, I can’t immediately remember your name”.
Say “I’ve never met you in my life”.
Say “Sorry, I’m busy right now; catch you later”.
Offer him/her a seat at my table.
Ignore him/her and continue reading my book.
Tell him/her to go away.
Pretend to see a friend across the café and leave the table.
Say “I’m waiting for friend/spouse/brother…”
These options are not mutually exclusive, of course. You could have several reactions, in a chain.
The point is, if you have already thought them out once, they will come to the surface immediately you find yourself in the situation.
If you have not thought them out, you will probably fumble for a response and maybe feel a little foolish. And maybe give the wrong response.
So think about how you can help people meeting you for the first time. And above all, smile. It’ll make their day as well as yours.
Picture this. You’re shopping in a department store and a salesman comes up to you and asks: “Can I help you?”
You may have a very definite idea of what you want. Still, it’s still nice to be asked. But it becomes boring, even irritating, if you get pestered.
Similarly, when you meet someone for the first time, you should offer him or her help to judge you.
I don’t mean you should ask them if they need your help. Making judgments about people is different from buying cosmetics or computers.
But your body language signals should tell them that you are willing, even eager, to give them information.
How do you welcome people when you first meet them?
• Do you keep a straight face and approach them cautiously? (You never know what their agenda is, do you?)
• Do you welcome them with a smile? (Maybe that would send the wrong signal?)
• Do you avoid eye contact so that you make no commitment until you are more certain of them?
• Do you ignore them and continue talking to someone else?
Smiles are not always easy, but they do have the advantage of being cheap. You can teach yourself to smile.
A smile when you first meet someone is the way to tell him or her you are “open for friendship”. Any other response to being introduced is wrong.
What about being cautious, then? What about natural “reserve”?
Question: What do you want from someone you meet for the first time?
Answer 1: You want them to like you.
Liking is the first step in establishing true contact with another person. It is the secret of the good salesman, the good counsellor, the good doctor.
Liking is the first stage to admiration. If you are not liked, you have not reached the starting post of life. (Anyone who tells you that he does not want to be liked is either nuts or lying.)
Answer 2: You want them to be willing to help you, if necessary. Now or later.
Life is a system of mutual support. It is normally strongest between spouses or partners; next, between family members. But in a global village, everyone must be willing to offer support to everyone else.
Answer 3: You want them to think well of you.
At the very least, you want them not to dislike you. No point in making more enemies in this world; there are enough of them already without adding to the list.
A stranger makes a judgement about you the instant he meets you. It is always possible that he may change his mind, but it is quite rare for him to do so.
Once he has made the initial judgement, he looks for signs that confirm it. He has to be very convinced that he was wrong to change his mind.
Like it or not, that initial judgement is made on the basis of how you dress, how you walk, how you hold yourself, how your face looks, what you are doing with your hands, how you shake hands.
If you walk into someone’s office for the first time and drop your briefcase, bend over to pick it up, lose the spectacles off your nose and the pen out of your pocket and accidentally spill the contents of your briefcase, the person meeting you will conclude that you are clumsy and not very cool.
On the other hand, if you drop your briefcase, leave it on the floor, smile, say “clumsy”, walk over to the person you are meeting and shake him by the hand, introduce yourself and then carefully retrieve your briefcase, he will think you are very cool and not at all fazed by the minor accident.
Not everyone has the presence of mind to think quickly.
How often have we said to ourselves: “I wish I’d thought of a smart reply to so-and-so.” If you’d said it at once, it would have been effective. Say it later, and it sound like what it is — an afterthought.
If, like me, you are not too quick-thinking, it is essential to work out the responses to likely situations before they arise.
There is a simple way to do this. Imagine finding yourself in an unfamiliar situation. Think through each stage and what might happen. Then think of your response.
If you want to do this systematically, make a “map” like this:
WHAT I’M DOING: Sitting quietly in a café, enjoying a cup of coffee and reading a magazine.
WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN: A stranger comes up and greets me like a long-lost friend.
MY REAL REACTION: Who on earth is this?
MY OPTIONS: Ask who the person is.
Smile and repeat my own name.
Apologise and say “Sorry, I can’t immediately remember your name”.
Say “I’ve never met you in my life”.
Say “Sorry, I’m busy right now; catch you later”.
Offer him/her a seat at my table.
Ignore him/her and continue reading my book.
Tell him/her to go away.
Pretend to see a friend across the café and leave the table.
Say “I’m waiting for friend/spouse/brother…”
These options are not mutually exclusive, of course. You could have several reactions, in a chain.
The point is, if you have already thought them out once, they will come to the surface immediately you find yourself in the situation.
If you have not thought them out, you will probably fumble for a response and maybe feel a little foolish. And maybe give the wrong response.
So think about how you can help people meeting you for the first time. And above all, smile. It’ll make their day as well as yours.
Judging your potential life partner
Love may be blind but you need to be rational when you choose your spouse. Look for jarring habits, and listen early on for the thinking behind what your beloved says.
Committment to someone for life can be an excruxiatingly long, or short, experience. It depends on two things:
(a) whether you approach the lifelong partnership in the spirit of love and growth for the both of you
(b) whether you are lucky enough to have tied up with an agreeable, caring and loving person.
You have much influence over the former, but much less control over the latter.
A couple I know have just split up. She walked out on him. I asked him if he wanted her back. His reply was interesting: ‘I want back the woman I married thirteen years ago.’ I pointed out to him that he couldn’t have that person back because, in the thirteen years since they had married, she had changed – just as he had. He was adamant. I doubt they will get back together, which is sad.
Both will feel a sense of failure, and blame each other. Their children may be hurt. Maybe they will find other partners. The pain goes out from them to others who know them.
Would more careful choosing at the start have saved all this agony?
We shall never know. What we do know is that many failed marriages could have been much happier if some basic rules were observed at the beginning. They are often ignored because love is blind. There is a time during which the couple think that all their differences can be overcome by love. They find out later that they cannot.
Yes, it’s the differences that we need to think about. It’s a very good idea to have a few different interests, but only a few. It’s an excellent idea to have some points on which the political, social, religious views differ, but only some. It’s great to have had slightly different backgrounds so that you can each learn from the other the joys of a new culture or a new style of life. But the differences should be slight, not massive.
The importance of many common values, understandings and aspirations cannot be overstated.
We all know the old saying that every woman thinks her husband-to-be will change for the better after marriage, but he doesn’t. We also know that every man believes that his wife will not change after marriage, but she does. It’s how both partners adapt to change that matters.
So as you sit down to that first evening to dine or talk or coffee house, what should you look for to discover if the person opposite you would make a good spouse?
The first, and I think the most important thing, is the strange little characteristics of the other person. A very loud laugh, a tendency to need to brush the hair from the face, a lack of consideration for you when they are about to eat or drink, rough treatment of others, nasty gossip. As you get drawn into love you will see these as charming, endearing idiosyncrasies. After a few months they will become irritating, perhaps maddening. Watch for them early on. If you can adapt to them, they don’t matter. If they ’jar’ with you now, they will do so forever.
Observe the person’s attitudes to other people, to service (doing a job well), to money, to ambitions, to travel, to home life, to religion, to health.
When we first meet someone we admire or think we might love, we are very busy presenting ourselves to the best advantage. Is our clothing tidy, are we being impressive, are we witty and amusing?
We should instead concentrate on learning about the other person. Observe their habits, their self-awareness, their emotional intelligence, their natural kindness, their concern for you. How they behave now is very much how they are going to behave in the future.
Ask questions. There is no simpler way to get informed than asking questions. Ask what they like and dislike. Ask when they have been happiest and saddest. Ask about their home life, school, education, jobs. Ask about their attitudes to other people you may both know, to public figures, to world situations.
Ask them how they would change the world if they could, where they would live if they had total choice, what would be the thing they would most like to achieve in life. In the end it doesn’t matter all that much what you ask. You just want to find out all about them.
You should also listen well. They are sending you all sorts of coded messages in their answers. If you really pay attention you will learn at least five times as much as if you don’t.
"We are not declared by our answers but by the meaning behind those answers."
We all need to love and to be loved. Your ideal partner is one who will love you even more than you love them. And their ideal partner is one who will love them even more than they love you.
Good luck on the love trail. Make it as rational as you can.
Committment to someone for life can be an excruxiatingly long, or short, experience. It depends on two things:
(a) whether you approach the lifelong partnership in the spirit of love and growth for the both of you
(b) whether you are lucky enough to have tied up with an agreeable, caring and loving person.
You have much influence over the former, but much less control over the latter.
A couple I know have just split up. She walked out on him. I asked him if he wanted her back. His reply was interesting: ‘I want back the woman I married thirteen years ago.’ I pointed out to him that he couldn’t have that person back because, in the thirteen years since they had married, she had changed – just as he had. He was adamant. I doubt they will get back together, which is sad.
Both will feel a sense of failure, and blame each other. Their children may be hurt. Maybe they will find other partners. The pain goes out from them to others who know them.
Would more careful choosing at the start have saved all this agony?
We shall never know. What we do know is that many failed marriages could have been much happier if some basic rules were observed at the beginning. They are often ignored because love is blind. There is a time during which the couple think that all their differences can be overcome by love. They find out later that they cannot.
Yes, it’s the differences that we need to think about. It’s a very good idea to have a few different interests, but only a few. It’s an excellent idea to have some points on which the political, social, religious views differ, but only some. It’s great to have had slightly different backgrounds so that you can each learn from the other the joys of a new culture or a new style of life. But the differences should be slight, not massive.
The importance of many common values, understandings and aspirations cannot be overstated.
We all know the old saying that every woman thinks her husband-to-be will change for the better after marriage, but he doesn’t. We also know that every man believes that his wife will not change after marriage, but she does. It’s how both partners adapt to change that matters.
So as you sit down to that first evening to dine or talk or coffee house, what should you look for to discover if the person opposite you would make a good spouse?
The first, and I think the most important thing, is the strange little characteristics of the other person. A very loud laugh, a tendency to need to brush the hair from the face, a lack of consideration for you when they are about to eat or drink, rough treatment of others, nasty gossip. As you get drawn into love you will see these as charming, endearing idiosyncrasies. After a few months they will become irritating, perhaps maddening. Watch for them early on. If you can adapt to them, they don’t matter. If they ’jar’ with you now, they will do so forever.
Observe the person’s attitudes to other people, to service (doing a job well), to money, to ambitions, to travel, to home life, to religion, to health.
When we first meet someone we admire or think we might love, we are very busy presenting ourselves to the best advantage. Is our clothing tidy, are we being impressive, are we witty and amusing?
We should instead concentrate on learning about the other person. Observe their habits, their self-awareness, their emotional intelligence, their natural kindness, their concern for you. How they behave now is very much how they are going to behave in the future.
Ask questions. There is no simpler way to get informed than asking questions. Ask what they like and dislike. Ask when they have been happiest and saddest. Ask about their home life, school, education, jobs. Ask about their attitudes to other people you may both know, to public figures, to world situations.
Ask them how they would change the world if they could, where they would live if they had total choice, what would be the thing they would most like to achieve in life. In the end it doesn’t matter all that much what you ask. You just want to find out all about them.
You should also listen well. They are sending you all sorts of coded messages in their answers. If you really pay attention you will learn at least five times as much as if you don’t.
"We are not declared by our answers but by the meaning behind those answers."
We all need to love and to be loved. Your ideal partner is one who will love you even more than you love them. And their ideal partner is one who will love them even more than they love you.
Good luck on the love trail. Make it as rational as you can.
Qualities needed to be a good business person
So what qualities do you need to be a good business person? I list them in my order of importance. I could always be wrong.
1. Lack of fear of failure. Are you happy to correct someone, politely, if they say something that you know to be wrong or do you avoid doing so in case it might embarrass you? Do you get worried about being corrected or rebuffed yourself? Do you hate asking people for things in case they refuse you? Are you anxious about loss of face (yours)? If you avoid difficult situations because they worry you, you fear failure. Remember that if you never fail, you never succeed.
I'm certainly not suggesting that you should go through life setting up a series of confrontations. Generally, it is better to avoid them. But I am concerned about why you avoid them. If the reason is your own view of yourself, then you have a problem.
2. Courage. This is the other side of fear of failure, but it is more. The classic definition of courage is “grace under pressure”. In business, as in most walks of life, you are often under pressure. There are times when you are clear about the right course of action, even though others, perhaps the majority, hold different views. You must listen to other people's views and take account of them but having done so you must make up your own mind, take action and be prepared for the consequences.
Courage is not a false bravado. Doing silly things is not courageous. It is stupid. Rudyard Kipling wrote:
"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you..."
He goes on to define what constitutes a satisfactory person. It is someone with courage.
3. Being alert. You hear colleagues talk about opportunities “presenting themselves”, as though they were young ladies going to their first dance. Opportunities do not “present themselves”. They are there all the time, all around. They have to be observed, analysed, considered and, in the end, grasped.
The only way to see opportunity is to keep awake, be alert. Watch what is going on. Relate it to your own situation, abilities, assets and resources. About each bit of information you receive ask yourself “Is it an opportunity for me?”
4. Emotional intelligence. Much of business is about people — those who will work for you; those for whom you work; those you will trade with; those who will buy your goods and services. Dealing with them all intelligently is not rocket science but you know as well as I do how few people treat others in a way calculated to get the best out of them. My e-mail inbox is full of messages from those who have been treated to a lack of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence requires you to think about the other person, to put yourself in their position and to understand what makes them tick. If you can do that, you can trade with them, successfully, happily and in a way that makes life tolerable. A serious lack of emotional intelligence guarantees failure sooner or later.
5. Numeracy. Lots of businessmen can’t even read or write. All of them can add. A quick facility with figures is second nature to the good businessman. It’s easy to develop. Turn lots of figures that you come across every day into percentages, other currencies or some other way of saying the same figure. Thinking in percentages is an excellent way to increase your numeracy. Once you have started to do it you will find it easy.
Clever? No, I don’t think a businessman has to be specially clever, just very, very bright.
1. Lack of fear of failure. Are you happy to correct someone, politely, if they say something that you know to be wrong or do you avoid doing so in case it might embarrass you? Do you get worried about being corrected or rebuffed yourself? Do you hate asking people for things in case they refuse you? Are you anxious about loss of face (yours)? If you avoid difficult situations because they worry you, you fear failure. Remember that if you never fail, you never succeed.
I'm certainly not suggesting that you should go through life setting up a series of confrontations. Generally, it is better to avoid them. But I am concerned about why you avoid them. If the reason is your own view of yourself, then you have a problem.
2. Courage. This is the other side of fear of failure, but it is more. The classic definition of courage is “grace under pressure”. In business, as in most walks of life, you are often under pressure. There are times when you are clear about the right course of action, even though others, perhaps the majority, hold different views. You must listen to other people's views and take account of them but having done so you must make up your own mind, take action and be prepared for the consequences.
Courage is not a false bravado. Doing silly things is not courageous. It is stupid. Rudyard Kipling wrote:
"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you..."
He goes on to define what constitutes a satisfactory person. It is someone with courage.
3. Being alert. You hear colleagues talk about opportunities “presenting themselves”, as though they were young ladies going to their first dance. Opportunities do not “present themselves”. They are there all the time, all around. They have to be observed, analysed, considered and, in the end, grasped.
The only way to see opportunity is to keep awake, be alert. Watch what is going on. Relate it to your own situation, abilities, assets and resources. About each bit of information you receive ask yourself “Is it an opportunity for me?”
4. Emotional intelligence. Much of business is about people — those who will work for you; those for whom you work; those you will trade with; those who will buy your goods and services. Dealing with them all intelligently is not rocket science but you know as well as I do how few people treat others in a way calculated to get the best out of them. My e-mail inbox is full of messages from those who have been treated to a lack of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence requires you to think about the other person, to put yourself in their position and to understand what makes them tick. If you can do that, you can trade with them, successfully, happily and in a way that makes life tolerable. A serious lack of emotional intelligence guarantees failure sooner or later.
5. Numeracy. Lots of businessmen can’t even read or write. All of them can add. A quick facility with figures is second nature to the good businessman. It’s easy to develop. Turn lots of figures that you come across every day into percentages, other currencies or some other way of saying the same figure. Thinking in percentages is an excellent way to increase your numeracy. Once you have started to do it you will find it easy.
Clever? No, I don’t think a businessman has to be specially clever, just very, very bright.
Go on , Smile !!
What a wonderful way to be received into a country by the first person you encounter. It made my day. It also left me with a warm feeling about Singapore. Not bad for the first 10 minutes in the country.
You can forgive almost anything if people smile. Why don’t they do it more often?
It’s not that easy to smile. Believe me, I know. I can laugh a lot because I have a good sense of humour. But smiling comes less easily to me.
Then there’s the cultural bit. Some races don’t naturally smile a lot. On the other hand, some do — the Thais and the Jamaicans are two that spring to mind.
So, for many people, a smile is difficult. Some think it is rather impertinent to smile at strangers. Certainly, it is impertinent to stare.
And there are smiles and smiles, of course. You want to avoid giving the impression that you are enjoying a joke at someone else’s expense.
Then there are occasions when it is not especially appropriate to smile. But actually very few when you come to think of it.
Most of the time, life is immeasurably improved with a smile. Business is conducted more easily, relationships are confirmed, feelings expressed — all with a smile.
What if smiling doesn’t come easily to you? Then try this simple remedy:
1. Use the mirror to watch yourself smile. Shut your eyes, face the mirror, put on what you think is a smile and open your eyes. Surprised? Don’t be. We all think we are smiling much more than we really are. That is why you have to practice.
Now, with your eyes open, GRIN at yourself. A great big, generous grin. More. Corners of mouth as far up to the ears as you can. And some more. Crinkle your eyes too.
Keep doing this until you have impressed on yourself how much you have to change your face to smile. Yes, that’s the sort of smile I’m asking you to project. Not some waspish, nervous little fleeting thing. A good, healthy smile.
2. Decide that for one day, you will smile at everyone you meet — at work, at home, socially. How do you do that? You look them in the eye, just briefly, and SMILE.
Go on! That big smile you did for me in the mirror. You don’t have to hold it for too long or you will look like the Cheshire Cat. But after a few minutes’ conversation, do it again. And, later, again.
All day.
At the end of the day, review your smiling. Did you do it as I suggested, or nearly as I suggested? What response did you get?
Some people smiled back! Not all. Some were positively startled. They hadn’t seen you smile like that before. Some were a little suspicious. “What’s he/she got to smile about?” That is their problem, not yours.
3. Yes, you guessed it. Go for it. Every day.
And watch your life improve. Every day.
You can forgive almost anything if people smile. Why don’t they do it more often?
It’s not that easy to smile. Believe me, I know. I can laugh a lot because I have a good sense of humour. But smiling comes less easily to me.
Then there’s the cultural bit. Some races don’t naturally smile a lot. On the other hand, some do — the Thais and the Jamaicans are two that spring to mind.
So, for many people, a smile is difficult. Some think it is rather impertinent to smile at strangers. Certainly, it is impertinent to stare.
And there are smiles and smiles, of course. You want to avoid giving the impression that you are enjoying a joke at someone else’s expense.
Then there are occasions when it is not especially appropriate to smile. But actually very few when you come to think of it.
Most of the time, life is immeasurably improved with a smile. Business is conducted more easily, relationships are confirmed, feelings expressed — all with a smile.
What if smiling doesn’t come easily to you? Then try this simple remedy:
1. Use the mirror to watch yourself smile. Shut your eyes, face the mirror, put on what you think is a smile and open your eyes. Surprised? Don’t be. We all think we are smiling much more than we really are. That is why you have to practice.
Now, with your eyes open, GRIN at yourself. A great big, generous grin. More. Corners of mouth as far up to the ears as you can. And some more. Crinkle your eyes too.
Keep doing this until you have impressed on yourself how much you have to change your face to smile. Yes, that’s the sort of smile I’m asking you to project. Not some waspish, nervous little fleeting thing. A good, healthy smile.
2. Decide that for one day, you will smile at everyone you meet — at work, at home, socially. How do you do that? You look them in the eye, just briefly, and SMILE.
Go on! That big smile you did for me in the mirror. You don’t have to hold it for too long or you will look like the Cheshire Cat. But after a few minutes’ conversation, do it again. And, later, again.
All day.
At the end of the day, review your smiling. Did you do it as I suggested, or nearly as I suggested? What response did you get?
Some people smiled back! Not all. Some were positively startled. They hadn’t seen you smile like that before. Some were a little suspicious. “What’s he/she got to smile about?” That is their problem, not yours.
3. Yes, you guessed it. Go for it. Every day.
And watch your life improve. Every day.
Stress and Silence
If you received the number of emails that I do about stress in the workplace you would be as worried as I am. Let’s face it, life is stressful anyway. Living with your spouse or partner in marriage or a long-term relationship is stressful. Brining up children is stressful. Driving the car is stressful. Shopping is stressful. Even keeping up with the news is stressful.
All of that pales into insignificance when compared to the stress we feel at work. What is more, we cannot leave it at work, it comes home with us, it goes to bed with us. It haunts us. About a quarter of the people who write to me seeking help and advice are suffering from stress at work. What’s it all about?
Let’s get rid of one myth right away. Stress is nothing to do with hard work. In fact, quite the opposite. Hard work often relieves stress, when what you are doing is purposeful, focused, understood and you feel properly equipped to handle it. When I was young I used to work on farms in my school holidays. In those days we didn’t have the huge mechanical aids to farming that we have today. It was very hard physical work. And wonderfully satisfying. Exhaustion from bringing in the harvest or sowing the winter wheat or producing a tanker full of milk was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced.
No, it’s not hard work that causes stress, although people often think it is. It is badly thought out plans, ill-defined purposes, poor training, inadequate resources, personal animosities that cause all the trouble. Most of all it’s fear. Fear of being bullied, fear of losing your job, fear of not getting the promotion you so badly want or need.
How can you cope with all these worries?
Rule One is to find someone to share your anxieties with. A problem shared may not be a problem halved but sharing makes it more bearable and produces a rational analysis of the issues. Facing your problems is half the battle to solving them. But only half the battle. You still have to find solutions that make work fun and rewarding.
Difficulty is that there are not may people you can talk to. Your spouse is often potentially too affected by the issues you have; you may not want to worry him or her. Your children, if old enough to understand, are ‘too busy’. Your best friends may be part of the organisation for which you work and sharing your fears with them may only make matters worse. And somehow sharing anxieties is often (quite wrongly) though of as losing face.
So you don’t share the stress and you live in a silent darkness from which, you sometimes feel, you may never emerge. Unfortunately, the very worst thing you can do when you are stressed out is keep it to yourself. If you do that the bogey that is scaring you simply gets more and more frightening. It can even lead some people into a nervous breakdown.
Finding someone to share your anxieties and worries with is vital. Obviously you need someone intelligent – a fool will probably make matters worse by failing to understand that you need reassurance, not depressing forecasts of worse to come. You need someone wise who has been through it all themselves and knows the pain of isolation and the agony of a muddled head. You need someone analytical. Taking your fears to pieces and setting them out on the table is a good way to discover how real they are and what it is practical to do about them. You need someone who will stand by you when you have to make brave moves to put your stress behind you. Support is a much misunderstood aid to making life tolerable.
Most important of all you do not need silence. The isolation of stress, whatever its cause, is what does real damage. You need sympathy, closeness, warmth and advice. You will only get those from another person. It doesn’t matter whether that person is a professional – someone like me who mentors people all the time – or a good friend who is willing to spend time listening to the problems.
Stress is like a swimming pool. It may look daunting but the water is warmer than you think. You always underestimate your ability to swim. But don’t go into the swimming pool alone. You need someone there with a helping hand, just in case. You probably won’t need it. But it’s reassuring to know that it is there if you do.
Next time I’ll discuss the issues of being bullied – the most common cause of stress at work.
Wisdom is the reward you receive for a lifetime of listeningwhen you'd rather have been talkingAristotle
--o0o-
Mentors listen first and most, ask questions second, analyse third and then advise.
All of that pales into insignificance when compared to the stress we feel at work. What is more, we cannot leave it at work, it comes home with us, it goes to bed with us. It haunts us. About a quarter of the people who write to me seeking help and advice are suffering from stress at work. What’s it all about?
Let’s get rid of one myth right away. Stress is nothing to do with hard work. In fact, quite the opposite. Hard work often relieves stress, when what you are doing is purposeful, focused, understood and you feel properly equipped to handle it. When I was young I used to work on farms in my school holidays. In those days we didn’t have the huge mechanical aids to farming that we have today. It was very hard physical work. And wonderfully satisfying. Exhaustion from bringing in the harvest or sowing the winter wheat or producing a tanker full of milk was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced.
No, it’s not hard work that causes stress, although people often think it is. It is badly thought out plans, ill-defined purposes, poor training, inadequate resources, personal animosities that cause all the trouble. Most of all it’s fear. Fear of being bullied, fear of losing your job, fear of not getting the promotion you so badly want or need.
How can you cope with all these worries?
Rule One is to find someone to share your anxieties with. A problem shared may not be a problem halved but sharing makes it more bearable and produces a rational analysis of the issues. Facing your problems is half the battle to solving them. But only half the battle. You still have to find solutions that make work fun and rewarding.
Difficulty is that there are not may people you can talk to. Your spouse is often potentially too affected by the issues you have; you may not want to worry him or her. Your children, if old enough to understand, are ‘too busy’. Your best friends may be part of the organisation for which you work and sharing your fears with them may only make matters worse. And somehow sharing anxieties is often (quite wrongly) though of as losing face.
So you don’t share the stress and you live in a silent darkness from which, you sometimes feel, you may never emerge. Unfortunately, the very worst thing you can do when you are stressed out is keep it to yourself. If you do that the bogey that is scaring you simply gets more and more frightening. It can even lead some people into a nervous breakdown.
Finding someone to share your anxieties and worries with is vital. Obviously you need someone intelligent – a fool will probably make matters worse by failing to understand that you need reassurance, not depressing forecasts of worse to come. You need someone wise who has been through it all themselves and knows the pain of isolation and the agony of a muddled head. You need someone analytical. Taking your fears to pieces and setting them out on the table is a good way to discover how real they are and what it is practical to do about them. You need someone who will stand by you when you have to make brave moves to put your stress behind you. Support is a much misunderstood aid to making life tolerable.
Most important of all you do not need silence. The isolation of stress, whatever its cause, is what does real damage. You need sympathy, closeness, warmth and advice. You will only get those from another person. It doesn’t matter whether that person is a professional – someone like me who mentors people all the time – or a good friend who is willing to spend time listening to the problems.
Stress is like a swimming pool. It may look daunting but the water is warmer than you think. You always underestimate your ability to swim. But don’t go into the swimming pool alone. You need someone there with a helping hand, just in case. You probably won’t need it. But it’s reassuring to know that it is there if you do.
Next time I’ll discuss the issues of being bullied – the most common cause of stress at work.
Wisdom is the reward you receive for a lifetime of listeningwhen you'd rather have been talkingAristotle
--o0o-
Mentors listen first and most, ask questions second, analyse third and then advise.
Most precious thing in your life
When you get near the end of your life what will you look back and think is the most precious thing that you have had? Life itself? Love? Family? Money? Success? Travel? Good fortune? Friends? Good health? The list of ‘possibles’ is almost endless. You will be thankful for them all, I hope. But before you read on try to answer the question: What is the most precious thing you have?
While you are thinking about it, reflect on the care you take of your body, of your mind, of your children, of your money, of your property. You are probably a good, caring person. Pretty smart at handling the world, I shouldn’t wonder.
There is only one true answer to the question. I expect you’ve got it by now. Our most precious gift is time. Rudyard Kipling put it very well in his poem ‘If’’ when he said:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
with sixty seconds worth of distance run
yours is the world, and everything that’s in it
and, which is more, you’ll be a man, my son.
The Rubyiat of Omar Khyamm was more direct and less providential:
Come fill the cup, what boots it to repeat
how time is slipping underneath our feet,
unborn tomorrow and dead yesterday,
why think about them if today be sweet?
One of my favourite sayings about time is:
What is this world if, full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare?
Standing and staring doesn’t imply laziness. On the contrary, the writer is asking us to spend time in reflection, thinking occasionally rather than rushing about frenetically doing. Reflecting is becoming an increasingly rare commodity in the world and we are missing it badly. Do you reflect enough on what is happening to the world, on what is happening in your life, on what is happening to the society in which you live? I can illustrate the lack of reflection by the quality of the legislation being passed in Europe today. Almost all the bills reaching the European countries statute books in the last ten years have been badly thought out and have had unintended – sometimes disastrous - consequences. Why is this?
One reason is that they have often (usually?) been ‘knee-jerk’ reactions. Something goes wrong; a bill is hastily constructed to, apparently, deal with the problem. The full consequences of the bill are not thought through. I can think of many such UK bills and Government ‘initiatives’. I’ll illustrate with one. Britain is short of teachers. So the Ministry issues an average of twelve pages of guidelines A DAY to schools. This requires a teacher full time to read these guidelines and interpret what they mean for his or her particular school. Net result – one less teaching teacher per school. That doesn’t help the teacher shortage.
If you have ever been in England you will know the expression: ‘Time, Ladies and Gentlemen, please’. Every barman has had to call it at some stage or another to announce the closure of the bar. Alas, no longer. In an attempt to reduce the widespread and extremely serious problem of ‘binge drinking’ in England (drinking to a stage where hospitalisation is often needed) the law has been changed to allow pubs and bars to stay open for twenty-four hours. (And, yes, you can read that again if you think it is nonsense. Unfortunately, true nonsense.) As every senior policeman has said allowing more time for drinking is unlikely to reduce alcoholism.
The business of time has now become big business. Notice how often you call a service and reach a menu – worse, a series of menus. Those menus hold you up. In the end, you virtually always need someone to talk to. They are all busy so you wait in line for the ‘next available customer service officer’. The company is very happy that you should wait. They are making money from the phone call – oh yes, part of the cost of the call ends up in their pockets. They’d like you to be on the ‘phone all day and all night. They’d make more money that way.
What they are actually doing is stealing your time. If they stole you money you would take them to court. Why can we not sue for waste of time? It is more precious than money.
Here’s a suggestion. When you are being given bad service by a company and you have to spend a long time calling them and writing to them, send them a bill for your time charged out at the rate at which you earn money. If everyone did this, sooner or later someone would sue and, in the end, someone would win. That would make companies think more carefully about how they squander your time and mine.
After all, when they do so they are robbing us of our most precious gift – time.
*****
Happiness is a journey, not a destination
While you are thinking about it, reflect on the care you take of your body, of your mind, of your children, of your money, of your property. You are probably a good, caring person. Pretty smart at handling the world, I shouldn’t wonder.
There is only one true answer to the question. I expect you’ve got it by now. Our most precious gift is time. Rudyard Kipling put it very well in his poem ‘If’’ when he said:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
with sixty seconds worth of distance run
yours is the world, and everything that’s in it
and, which is more, you’ll be a man, my son.
The Rubyiat of Omar Khyamm was more direct and less providential:
Come fill the cup, what boots it to repeat
how time is slipping underneath our feet,
unborn tomorrow and dead yesterday,
why think about them if today be sweet?
One of my favourite sayings about time is:
What is this world if, full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare?
Standing and staring doesn’t imply laziness. On the contrary, the writer is asking us to spend time in reflection, thinking occasionally rather than rushing about frenetically doing. Reflecting is becoming an increasingly rare commodity in the world and we are missing it badly. Do you reflect enough on what is happening to the world, on what is happening in your life, on what is happening to the society in which you live? I can illustrate the lack of reflection by the quality of the legislation being passed in Europe today. Almost all the bills reaching the European countries statute books in the last ten years have been badly thought out and have had unintended – sometimes disastrous - consequences. Why is this?
One reason is that they have often (usually?) been ‘knee-jerk’ reactions. Something goes wrong; a bill is hastily constructed to, apparently, deal with the problem. The full consequences of the bill are not thought through. I can think of many such UK bills and Government ‘initiatives’. I’ll illustrate with one. Britain is short of teachers. So the Ministry issues an average of twelve pages of guidelines A DAY to schools. This requires a teacher full time to read these guidelines and interpret what they mean for his or her particular school. Net result – one less teaching teacher per school. That doesn’t help the teacher shortage.
If you have ever been in England you will know the expression: ‘Time, Ladies and Gentlemen, please’. Every barman has had to call it at some stage or another to announce the closure of the bar. Alas, no longer. In an attempt to reduce the widespread and extremely serious problem of ‘binge drinking’ in England (drinking to a stage where hospitalisation is often needed) the law has been changed to allow pubs and bars to stay open for twenty-four hours. (And, yes, you can read that again if you think it is nonsense. Unfortunately, true nonsense.) As every senior policeman has said allowing more time for drinking is unlikely to reduce alcoholism.
The business of time has now become big business. Notice how often you call a service and reach a menu – worse, a series of menus. Those menus hold you up. In the end, you virtually always need someone to talk to. They are all busy so you wait in line for the ‘next available customer service officer’. The company is very happy that you should wait. They are making money from the phone call – oh yes, part of the cost of the call ends up in their pockets. They’d like you to be on the ‘phone all day and all night. They’d make more money that way.
What they are actually doing is stealing your time. If they stole you money you would take them to court. Why can we not sue for waste of time? It is more precious than money.
Here’s a suggestion. When you are being given bad service by a company and you have to spend a long time calling them and writing to them, send them a bill for your time charged out at the rate at which you earn money. If everyone did this, sooner or later someone would sue and, in the end, someone would win. That would make companies think more carefully about how they squander your time and mine.
After all, when they do so they are robbing us of our most precious gift – time.
*****
Happiness is a journey, not a destination
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Why do men not call when they say they're going.
Why do men not call when they say they're going
to?
Let's go over the possible reasons for this, as
I know how men's minds' often work.
There's a lot to learn from each, so let's see
which ones ring true for you...
And while you're reading each of these, see if
you can figure out what each one of these
situations has in common.
Why Men Don't Call: Situation #1
Some men are too immature to be honest and
straight-forward with a woman
Sometimes men are just being dumb and giving
themselves ego strokes by flirting with you, even
though they never really thought they'd call.
But they get your number anyway to feel good
and to have it "just in case" they got some random
urge or reason to call you in the future.
Plus, getting a woman's number is a kind of
"trophy" to show to other immature men.
Why Men Don't Call: Situation #2
They were just looking for a hook-up and you
weren't "fling" material (which is a good thing,
unless that's all you're looking for).
Often times men think they just want a woman to
be "physical" with.
If you're out at a club or a bar and you meet a
man, often times he'll have "hooking up" on his
mind.
Duh, right!?
If you meet a guy like this and, in his eyes,
you're the girl he'd bring home to mom, then you
might not be the girl he'll want to spend his time
with... at least for the near future.
But in spite of this, he takes your number, in
case he gets the crazy foreign idea in his head
that he'd actually want a great girl for a real
relationship.
And guess what?
He doesn't come to that realization for a very
long time - so he doesn't call.
I'm not saying it makes sense, but that's how
some men operate.
And in a strange way, men who do this are doing
you a favor at that time in their life.
The timing wasn't right.
Why Men Don't Call: Situation #3
They thought they were being "polite" by
getting your number, even though they never felt
like calling
Have you ever given your number to a man who
asked for it, meanwhile you were already dreading
his call and wishing inside that you had given him
a fake number?
Exactly...
And I know it sucks to think about this, but
have you ever thought that the tables could be
turned?
See... if men enjoy their conversations with
you but aren't that interested, they sometimes
feel a polite "obligation" to get your number.
It's a kind of way to end the interaction on a
positive note... even though they never really
thought about if they intended to call you.
I know it sucks, but men aren't often up front
and assertive either when it comes to the opposite
sex.
Why Men Don't Call: Situation #4
They were interested in you at first, but after
a little while they started to feel like something
was "off"... maybe even after they got your
number.
And while you were trying so hard to create
random reasons for you to see each other again and
to not have a guy get your number and not call
again, they could sense your subtle fear and
discomfort.
And so the attraction and connection they had
just started feeling with you changed and was
"broken."
Why Men Don't Call: Situation #5
They lost your number or forgot to call.
Ok, now let me ask you...
Did you figure out what each of these
situations has in common?
I'll give you a hint:
It has something to do with your feelings.
Give up?
There are 2 things actually.
First off, none of them have ANYTHING to do
with you being a "loser", like you mentioned.
See, the fascinating thing is that in each of
these situations, it's YOUR CHOICE to make the
MEANING out of them that you want.
Unfortunately, it seems like the meaning you've
chosen to make has been NEGATIVE.
In other words, you've actually started to
criticize yourself and think even more negatively
because two guys didn't pick up the phone and
punch in your number.
Talk about a way to make sure you keep screwing
up and feeling bad about your love life.
And worse, men can actually sense these things
when you meet them and will instantly categorize
you as a woman that they don't want to be around
if you've got that freaked out, negative, over-
attachment to the casual conversation you're
having with them.
Here's the second thing each of these
situations has in common...
Of the ones that don't involve men just being
weird or "unavailable" for more than a casual
fling, there's a common theme going on.
They weren't FEELING ATTRACTION.
See, there's something I don't think you see
you're doing here...
You seem to know about an important concept
when it comes to men - teasing and throwing in
certain kinds of "challenges" to attract their
interest and attention.
But... there's a huge difference between
KNOWING what these things are and actually DOING
them.
The thing is, almost all women KNOW that they
SHOULD tease and excite a man to dial up his
interest.
But when it comes to actually doing these
things in a fun, consistent, and exciting way,
they fall short.
Why?
Because who wants to bother?
And isn't it better for someone to just like
you for you?
Maybe.
But what if there's a real and genuine "you"
that men just need some help to see with so much
other stuff going on?
And what if you're hiding that away because of
your frustrations from the past or fears about
what might happen in the present?
Here's a radical thought...
With things not going exactly how you want them
to go with your love life - imagine if you
actually changed a few of YOUR everyday patterns
of behavior with men to try and get a few
different results.
What are the odds that part of the common
denominator here is YOU, and not that all men have
the exact same problem or issue with calling back?
Would it be too much to ask that you at least
try a few different things that were outside of
your "natural" comfort zone of what you've always
done or what makes sense to you?
I don't think so... and you sound more than
open to it and have a positive attitude.
So let's talk about what those patterns are
that you need to break, and what to try instead
that WORKS with men.
CREATING "REASONS" FOR A MAN TO CALL YOU BACK
Your email lets me know that you already "get"
some of what to do, like teasing and challenging,
but that you don't quite know yet how to put it to
work in your dating life.
Let's change that.
Here's how...
You need to start creating exciting reasons for
a man to want to see you again.
I'll repeat that so you hear it again and take
the time to let it sink in...
You need to start creating EXCITING REASONS for
a man to WANT to see you again.
I'll give you a minute to think about what that
means...
Ok, come back.
There's something lots of single women do when
they meet guys and want to see them again.
And it makes it so that the man isn't very
interested or excited to reconnect with the woman
afterwards.
It's when a woman tries to come up with any old
reason under the sun to "reconnect" with a man,
not realizing how important the "reason" actually
is.
It usually goes something like this...
Woman meets man.
Man and woman start to connect.
They talk about "interesting" stuff and the
woman becomes interested in the man.
The man enjoys the conversation and talking to
the woman, who's a great person and seems
attractive.
The woman feels a connection and assumes that
he must feel it too since it's there.
The man asks for her number and she kind of
"lets down her guard" and becomes very friendly
with him and feels comfortable.
The woman then starts talking about the things
that they can do together when they see each other
next, based on the conversational topics they had.
The man's attraction, intrigue and interest in
the woman suddenly drops off.
End of story.
So what happened here?
In short, the woman stopped doing the things
she was "naturally" and subconsciously doing at
first that made the man feel attracted to her and
instead, started treating him like a sort of "best
friend."
A friend of mine has a name for this...
The "super-sized friend approach."
This approach is usually followed up by offers
to do favors, run errands, or give gifts.
Translation - ZERO ATTRACTION.
And it's further destroyed by trying any
excuse, no matter how mundane, to make future
plans together.
See what's happening here?
And yeah, there's always exceptions to the
rules.
Women who are so naturally attractive to men,
physically and "socially", can and do take the
more casual and friendly approach... and it works
great for them.
But we're not talking about those situations.
We're talking about the situations where things
unfortunately don't fall into place so
effortlessly.
Ok, so back to creating "reasons" that actually
get men to call back.
Let's start by talking about why the "reason"
is so important... and then we'll get into a
specific example.
The "reason" you create for a man to reconnect
with you is important because it builds the entire
CONTEXT and MEANING in a man's mind of how he
thinks about you after he leaves...
That reason you give is a large part of what
determines, in his mind, HIS reason for calling
(or not calling).
So here's how to create great "reasons" with a
man...
First off, stop making future plans with men
for first dates around things that are BORING,
everyday, and PREDICTABLE.
Yes, trips to Europe can be fascinating, cool,
sophisticated, cultural and all kinds of great
things.
And yeah, talking about Europe, travel, sites,
art history, etc. can interest a man
intellectually.
And I have to admit that traveling to Europe
has involved some of the most romantic moments of
my life.
These are great things to talk about with a man
in random conversations.
But guess what?
Planning a man's trip with a man is NOT going
to make him FEEL those romantic feelings with you
just because you've become his travel guide.
Planning travel can be looked at as a kind of
chore for some people... especially men.
In other words, you could hope that the romance
of Venice or Florence rubs off on you somehow
through some magic "transference" as you talk
about them...
Or...
You could start doing the things that will make
him FEEL ATTRACTED and romantically interested in
YOU.
With me here?
Good.
You've got to remember...
Attraction isn't created by "logic."
A man doesn't talk to a woman about Europe and
become fascinated and sexually charged by her
knowledge of the Duomo, the Sistine Chapel or the
fine wines of France's Bordeaux region.
**NEWSFLASH**
Attraction doesn't take place when a man thinks
inside his mind, "Gee, she's smart, cultured, well
traveled, etc., I think I'm going to feel
attracted to her."
That's not how it works at all... just like
that's not how you become interested and attracted
in men.
It's MUCH more subconscious.
Think chemistry.
Can a man "reason" with you so that you feel
ATTRACTION or CHEMISTRY with him?
Didn't think so.
But he can DO things that will make you FEEL
ATTRACTION, even if you're not really "choosing"
to be attracted to him.
Well, the same is true for a man who's just
meeting you...
And sure, the things that are "logically
attractive" like travel in Europe don't hurt...
but they're really just window-dressing for the
things that are going on underneath the surface in
our minds and emotions.
What makes a man feel attracted is the
EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE he has that a woman creates
with him or guides him to.
Attraction is a largely SUBCONSCIOUS FEELING
that comes in response to the unexpected, the
unpredictable, and the things that can't help but
draw us in to connect in an emotional way.
So let's land the plane here...
If you want a man to call back, give him a
"reason" that's interesting, unpredictable, fun,
etc.
But most importantly, it's got to be a reason
that will make him FEEL ATTRACTION for you.
If you do something less predictable, like tell
him,
"Hey, since you're going to Europe, if you're
good I'll tell you a few secrets about what makes
the French such great lovers... or great cooks...
whichever you're more curious about..."
Now that's sure to get a man's attention... and
keep it so that he'll call you back.
Notice that this still says everything you want
to say to a man about wanting to connect with him
again.
But it does it in a fun, interesting, teasing,
challenging and unpredictable way that keeps him
thinking about you and guessing.
And it does it WITHOUT making him feel that
you're desperate to make sure that he's going to
call you - or that you're just trying the "super-
sized friend approach."
There's one other thing that's important that
you asked too...
"Should I just not accept that he tells me he's
going to call?"
Great question.
Here's the thing...
It's important for you to have "boundaries"
with men.
It's important for your own good, to help him
know what's fair game and what isn't and to lay
some constructive framework for a future
relationship.
A key step in every growing relationship is to
communicate what your personal boundaries are so
that the other person can learn to respect them.
But, in situations where you don't even know
the person very well, it's not as simple as just
laying it out there.
So... it's also important that you don't
communicate these boundaries in a pushy, weird,
needy, overly-sensitive way where men will
instantly pull away from you.
I know, I know... for lots of women this sounds
like a contradiction.
When they hear it they'll think...
"You mean I'm supposed to be "unpredictable"
and create attraction, but I'm also supposed to be
assertive enough to communicate my boundaries."
"This is too much hassle... I just want to be
me, and if a guy doesn't like it, then tough!"
It's no surprise that a lot of the women with
this attitude (and men) are single and home alone
on Friday nights watching David Letterman.
And wonder why their relationships just seem to
fall apart after a while... over and over.
The truth is, communicating boundaries and
creating attraction with a man are NOT mutually
exclusive activities.
AND... if you know how, these kinds of
situations can become AMAZING OPPORTUNITIES to
create attraction and GROWTH between you and a
man.
If you know how to communicate with a man in
the right way, you can get the response that you
want (attraction) AND communicate a clear message.
Which in your case might be for him to respect
your boundaries by calling if he says he's going
to call.
But if you don't get the subtle specifics of
how to communicate with a man this way, then often
times you'll come off as pushy or "bitchy" like
lots of other women do when they try to assert
boundaries early on with men.
Try saying something like this in a semi-
serious way but with a smirk on your face...
"You know, I might just decide to give you my
number, but I'm not sure if you're the right kind
of guy yet - because I'm VERY PICKY and I only
give my number out to guys that A) have their act
together and B) are smart enough to know what
they're missing if they don't call."
And then write down your number and hold it out
for him to grab.
But when he reaches for it, pull it away from
his hand a little bit so he misses it...
Then keep teasing him and ask him again with a
wry smile on your face...
"Well, do you have your act together? Because I
really don't have time for boys that don't
call..."
This kind of thing will drive a man CRAZY and
triggers a deep level attraction response - that's
not just a "physical" thing.
How to deal with the devastation of being dumped.
How to deal with the devastation of being dumped.
Here's How:
1. Give yourself a break - Your ex is the lowlife.
2. Stop making excuses. Don't put your life on hold because you feel you can't trust anyone anymore.
3. Ease yourself back into dating.
4. Don't jump into bed too quickly. It's better to err on the side of sexual caution.
5. Don't make someone new pay for the crimes of your ex. Let go of cynicism.
6. Don't pick someone new just because they're the opposite of your ex. Look for balance.
7. Learn the art of compromise. High standards shouldn't be confused with the refusal to compromise.
TIPS: 
Without risk, there is no reward.
Get a date in 24 hours
Even if you're reading this on Friday night, you can still hook up with someone in the next 24 hours if you follow these 12 easy rules:
Here's How:
1. Go get groceries. We all have to eat.
2. Coffee shops are notorious for being cozy places to meet people.
3. No one can resist petting the cute puppy you're taking a walk with.
4. Smiling will attract people to you. Looking disinterested will do the opposite.
5. Don't be desperate. Look at dating as a game, not as a test of self-worth.
6. Don't turn down invitations. Be open to new experiences.
7. Group activities are better for meeting people. A man or woman alone can be intimidating.
8. Throw a party. Share expenses with co-hosts, and invite a bunch of single friends.
9. You'll meet more men if you're out rollerblading, biking or running. Sweaty = sexy.
10. Tell all of your friends that you want to be set up.
11. If you see someone you'd like to meet, learn their schedule and arrange to bump into him/her.
12. Ask 'Are you free Saturday?' Then ask for a date. It's the new millenium-- Go for it!
TIPS: One rejection doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. If one person says no, another may say yes.If you ask someone out, make if for something specific, don't just ask, 'will you go out with me?'If someone says no, keep your cool. Showing hurt or anger will only make you look foolish.
How to impress a woman on the first date ?
What are you doing wrong (and right) when it comes to meeting women?
Here's How:
1. Don't show up late. If you're going to be late, call and let her know.
2. Don't talk about your ex-girlfriends.
3. If you invited her out, then pay the check.
4. Don't forget to compliment her.
5. Pulling out her chair is always impressive.
6. Ask her about her interests and hobbies.
7. Don't obviously eye other women walking by.
8. Don't grill her about her past relationships.
9. Dont give attitude to the help.
10. Don't answer your cellphone at dinner.
11. Dont ask her if she likes to cook.
12. Dont be too flashy with money or jewelry.
13. Dont get too intense about politics or religion.
14. Bring up 'safe' topics like music and movies.
TIPS: Don't show up with a single red rose w/ baby's breath that you grabbed from the market on the way to the date. It looks forced.Keep the facial hair trimmed. You don't want her to know that you had minestrone for lunch.
How to impress a man on the first date?
What are you doing wrong (and right) when it comes to meeting men?
Here's How:
1. Don't show up late. If you're going to be late, call and let him know.
2. Don't talk about your ex-boyfriends.
3. Don't drink beer from the bottle.
4. Drink cocktails that are served in stemmed glasses.
5. Ask him about his interests and hobbies.
6. Don't smoke.
7. Dont give attitude to the help.
8. Don't answer your cellphone at dinner.
9. Only wear high heels if you can walk gracefully in them.
10. Don't wear too much lipstick.
11. Don't primp at the table.
12. Keep the dancing on the dance floor only.
13. Don't cake on the face makeup.
14. If in a group, keep gossiping with girlfriends to a minimum.
TIPS: It's important to keep in mind that you are a woman, and that you really enjoy the processes you go through to be feminine. It shows.When you're happy, your face beams. And that's very attractive.
How to make up after a fight ?
Would you rather always be right or be in a good relationship?
Here's How:
1. Don't go to bed angry. It's best to agree on this approach before you get into an argument.
2. Make a friendly gesture. If you make the initial overture, it's likely it will be reciprocated.
3. Apologize for something you did in the fight. This opens the door for a real discussion.
4. Call a truce. Agree to think about the problem and discuss it calmly later.
5. Don't give your partner the silent treatment. Ignoring someone only distances you further.
6. Accept your partner's apology.
7. Make a love effort. It's not enough to apologize, but quality time helps you focus on what's great about the relationship as opposed to the fight.
TIPS: Give someone the space they need to open up.Learn the fine art of compromise.Don't foster jealousy. Invite him/her to go out with your friends.
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