Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
Saturday, December 31, 2005
What Men mean
japan swear words
| baka yaroo | stupid bastard |
| Chikushoo | oh Fuck! |
| Kuso | shit |
| Ima imashe kuso | Eat Fucking Shit |
| Urusai kono bakayaro | Shut up you crazy motherfucker! |
| Ching ching | penis |
| ketsunoana | Asshole |
| Pai pai | Breasts, nipples |
| onara | Fart |
| kin tama | Golden Balls |
| kisama | Lord of the donkeys (literal translation "fuck you") |
| Anata wa dame des | You are a nasty person |
| manko | Pussy |
| Fuzakeruna | Shut up (bad meaning) |
| Baita | Prostitute / Easy to Betray |
| Mukatsuku | You drive me crazy! (bad meaning) |
| Yaru | Have sex |
french swear words
| merde | shit |
| manges la merde | eat shit |
| tu me fais chier | you're pissing me off |
| vas faire foutre a la cache | go fuck a cow |
| encule | fuck you |
| salope, ordure, conasse, poofias | bitch |
| va te faire voir | go to hell |
| vas te faire foutre | go get fucked |
| vas te faire encule | fuck you |
| fils de pute | son of a bitch |
| tu m'emmerdes! | Fuck yourself! |
| le con, la conasse, la chatte | Cunt |
| baiser | To fuck |
| ce sont des conneries | That's a load of shit |
| leche moi et saire me renier | lick me and make me cum |
| putain, pute | whore |
| cul | ass |
| bite | cock |
| paure con | asshole |
| c'est rien que de la merde | Its just a bunch of shit |
| maudite vache | asshole / bitch |
| va chier | Go shit |
| tu mangeras le tas | You can eat the pile |
german swear words
| Blodes Arschloch | stupid asshole |
| Dummes Huhn | stupid chicken |
| Scheisse | shit |
| Fotze | cunt |
| Blode Fotze | stupid cunt |
| Mutterficker | motherfucker |
| Hurensohn | son of a bitch |
| hure | whore |
| Depp | idiot |
| Drecksau | dirty pig |
| Arschgesicht | Assface |
| Fick dich! | Fuck You |
| Fick mich | Fuck me |
| Schlampe | Tramp or Slut |
| das geht dich einen feuchten Scheissdreck an | None of your fucking business |
| Auf Wiedersehen Fickakopf | Goodbye fuckhead |
| Leck mich am Arsch | Lick my ass |
| mach es dir selber | Go fuck yourself |
| scheissekopf | shithead |
| Lichten mein asch. | kiss my ass |
Professionals test
This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
That completes the test!
This question tests your reasoning ability. So...
-
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you're a true professional. Wealth awaits you.
-
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.
-
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
-
If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.
-
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.
employee handbook
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
A dog named sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."
Men are like......
Men are like......
.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.
.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.
.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.
.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.
.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.
.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.
.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
Top 10 rejection lines
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean)
10.
I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9.
There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my dad.) 8.
I’m not attracted to you in "that" way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.) 7.
My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.) 6.
I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half-gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.) 5.
I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same "solar system," much less the same building.) 4.
It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.) 3.
I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2.
I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.) 1.
Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s the male perspective thing.) Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men (and what they actually mean)
10.
I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.) 9.There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.) 8.I’m not attracted to you in "that" way. (You’re ugly.) 7.My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.) 6.I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.) 5.I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.) 4.It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.) 3.I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.) 2.I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.) 1.Let’s be friends. (You’re sinfully ugly.) -
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Copyright © Larry Elder & Associates - All rights reserved.
How to be a good wife ?
- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
- Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
- Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.
- Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
- Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
- Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
- The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Friday, December 30, 2005
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS." Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac
23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)
25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Under tips waiter - Small penis
32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis
33. Under tips cabby - Small penis
34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac
23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)
25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Under tips waiter - Small penis
32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis
33. Under tips cabby - Small penis
34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant
Dating Reality Check
Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means...
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_84.htm
Did you come? = Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. = Get tested.
I'm a Romantic. = I'm poor.
I'll give you a call. = I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.
I never meant to hurt you. = I thought you weren't a virgin.
Trust me. = I'm cheating on you.
I love you. = You're a good lay.
I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.
I want to make love to you. = Let's fuck.
Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk. = I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. = Next!
I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation.
I think we should see other people. = I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married. = Now can we fuck?
We don't have to do anything until you are ready. = Put out or get out.
I feel it's time to express our love for each other. = Give me head.
I still think about you. = I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong? = Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature. = I hope you're eighteen.
It's never been like this before. = It's my first time.
Yes...Yes...*scream!* = Aren't you done yet?
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_84.htm
Did you come? = Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. = Get tested.
I'm a Romantic. = I'm poor.
I'll give you a call. = I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.
I never meant to hurt you. = I thought you weren't a virgin.
Trust me. = I'm cheating on you.
I love you. = You're a good lay.
I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.
I want to make love to you. = Let's fuck.
Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk. = I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. = Next!
I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation.
I think we should see other people. = I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married. = Now can we fuck?
We don't have to do anything until you are ready. = Put out or get out.
I feel it's time to express our love for each other. = Give me head.
I still think about you. = I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong? = Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature. = I hope you're eighteen.
It's never been like this before. = It's my first time.
Yes...Yes...*scream!* = Aren't you done yet?
Pick Up lines
These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I like every bone in your body especially mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays
If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If you were a car door I would slam you all night longBaby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I have fries with that shake!
I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!
I'd look good on you.
When does your centerfold come out.
So do ya wanna see something really swell?
I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?
I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
You have nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?
Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!
Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.
You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!
Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.
If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I like every bone in your body especially mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays
If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If you were a car door I would slam you all night longBaby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I have fries with that shake!
I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!
I'd look good on you.
When does your centerfold come out.
So do ya wanna see something really swell?
I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?
I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
You have nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?
Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!
Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.
You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!
Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.
If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?
"Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
MEN'S GUIDE TO SELECTING THEIR CLOTHES
We all know that men are not quite as adept at fashion as women. In fact guys will pretty much wear anything, anytime, with anything. This creates the false impression that guys just "throw" any old thing on. This however is not the case. As this handy little guide points out, getting dressed is a highly complex and organized ritual for men.
what do credit analyst do ??
Credit Analyst - Bank (Singapore)
Requirements:
Degree in Banking/Finance or equivalent
In-depth knowledge of commercial law, industry, political and economic environments in the markets that the bank is operating
Minimum of 3 years experience in corporate banking/offshore environment with significant experience in credit assessment role
Strong and proven credit assessment skills
Experience in credit risk modeling
Knowledge of credit documentation
Knowledge of debt recovery matters will be an added advantage
Requirements:
Degree in Banking/Finance or equivalent
In-depth knowledge of commercial law, industry, political and economic environments in the markets that the bank is operating
Minimum of 3 years experience in corporate banking/offshore environment with significant experience in credit assessment role
Strong and proven credit assessment skills
Experience in credit risk modeling
Knowledge of credit documentation
Knowledge of debt recovery matters will be an added advantage
Friday, December 16, 2005
From i village website >>>
Here, the 32 emotional signs that he is having an affair:
1. Your mate is more attentive to your needs than usual. This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of his or her affair. The attention will diminish as the affair continues.
2. Your mate begins buying you gifts -- lots of gifts. These are "Guilt Gifts" purchased because your partner feels guilty about betraying you and showering you with presents makes him or her feel better.
3. Your mate's behavior is causing a gut feeling in you that something isn't right. If this happens, pay attention to your instincts. Ignoring them means you want to blind yourself to the truth. You know your mate's habits, routines and attitudes better than anybody, so be suspicious when these things change.
4. Your mate frequently picks fights with you. Doing this gives him reason to get mad and storm out of the house and thus the opportunity to meet a lover. A cheater may also do this because of mixed emotions he is feeling about betraying you.
5. Your mate constantly talks about your relationship ending when you fight or argue. She says things like, "What would you do if our relationship ended?" or "If anything ever happened to us, I would always love you like a friend." In general, she seems very negative about your relationship. Your mate makes these statements because she has a lover to fall back on if your relationship ends. If your partner repeats these kinds of statements often, be suspicious.
6. Your mate becomes very moody. He or she seems very upbeat and excited when leaving you but acts somber and depressed when around you. If your mate is in a long-term affair, he/she will try to keep both relationships running smoothly. Any problems the cheater has in one relationship will spill over into the other relationship as well. This is inevitable.
7. Your mate never talks to you. You live together but don't interact. He has become cold and inconsiderate of your feelings.
8. Your mate's taste in music suddenly changes. For instance, she always listened to pop music but suddenly starts listening to country music. Your partner might be listening to and growing fond of this new type of music because her lover listens to it.
9. Your mate lacks self-esteem. This doesn't necessarily mean he will go out and have an affair, but an insecure individual often looks to others for guidance. If an insecure person's needs aren't being met, he might find the desired feelings of security and positive feedback in an affair with someone else.
10. Your mate continually criticizes another person. She is trying to make you think that type of individual would never be of interest to her, although there actually exists a secret attraction.
11. Your mate criticizes things about you that he or she once found attractive and appealing.
12. Your mate easily becomes offended at the comments, however harmless, that you make.
13. Your mate stops paying attention to you, your children and home-life in general.
14. Your mate begins closing doors when you are around, when before he or she would leave them open. For instance, the Bathroom-Door Rule: Couples in long-term relationships often leave their bathroom doors open while attending to necessities even if their partners are nearby. As affairs develop, the cheating mates will close bathroom doors, distancing themselves physically and psychologically from their partners.
15. Your mate stops complimenting you on your looks.
16. Your mate stops saying, "I love you."
17. You mate acts guilty when you do something nice for him or her. You are supposed to be the person who is making life miserable and the relationship untenable. By doing something nice, you force the cheater to think about what he or she is doing.
18. Your mate turns the table and accuses you of cheating but has no evidence.
19. Your mate would rather spend time with friends than be with you.
20. Your mate shows no interest in your relationship's future.
21. Your mate stops being affectionate.
22. Your mate is more interested in reading a book or watching television than talking with you or making love to you.
23. Your mate frequently talks about the problems a friend, neighbor, co-worker, course instructor or classmate of the opposite sex is having.
24. Your mate begins using new catch phrases or starts to tell types of jokes or express opinions that are unusual for him or her.
25. Your mate pays less and less attention to your children. They seem to sense something is wrong and don't seem to be as emotionally healthy or secure as they once were.
26. Your mate has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn but when you ask about it, he doesn't want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy.
27. Your mate seems disinterested and distracted during sex.
28. Your mate talks in her sleep and mentions the name of a particular person on more than one occasion.
29. Your mate seems startled or confused when awakened. This uncertainty may be caused by not being sure which bedroom and which lover's bed he or she is in.
30. Your mate's behavior is such that your friends begin asking you what's wrong. Close friends and family members often will notice tension or discord between the two of you before you are fully aware of it.
31. Your mate easily becomes offended when you make normal and natural inquiries and may demand to know why you are checking up on him or her.
32. Your mate's sleeping pattern changes considerably from the norm and may include unexplainable exhaustion, restlessness, frequent nightmares and sleep-talking.
Here, the 32 emotional signs that he is having an affair:
1. Your mate is more attentive to your needs than usual. This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of his or her affair. The attention will diminish as the affair continues.
2. Your mate begins buying you gifts -- lots of gifts. These are "Guilt Gifts" purchased because your partner feels guilty about betraying you and showering you with presents makes him or her feel better.
3. Your mate's behavior is causing a gut feeling in you that something isn't right. If this happens, pay attention to your instincts. Ignoring them means you want to blind yourself to the truth. You know your mate's habits, routines and attitudes better than anybody, so be suspicious when these things change.
4. Your mate frequently picks fights with you. Doing this gives him reason to get mad and storm out of the house and thus the opportunity to meet a lover. A cheater may also do this because of mixed emotions he is feeling about betraying you.
5. Your mate constantly talks about your relationship ending when you fight or argue. She says things like, "What would you do if our relationship ended?" or "If anything ever happened to us, I would always love you like a friend." In general, she seems very negative about your relationship. Your mate makes these statements because she has a lover to fall back on if your relationship ends. If your partner repeats these kinds of statements often, be suspicious.
6. Your mate becomes very moody. He or she seems very upbeat and excited when leaving you but acts somber and depressed when around you. If your mate is in a long-term affair, he/she will try to keep both relationships running smoothly. Any problems the cheater has in one relationship will spill over into the other relationship as well. This is inevitable.
7. Your mate never talks to you. You live together but don't interact. He has become cold and inconsiderate of your feelings.
8. Your mate's taste in music suddenly changes. For instance, she always listened to pop music but suddenly starts listening to country music. Your partner might be listening to and growing fond of this new type of music because her lover listens to it.
9. Your mate lacks self-esteem. This doesn't necessarily mean he will go out and have an affair, but an insecure individual often looks to others for guidance. If an insecure person's needs aren't being met, he might find the desired feelings of security and positive feedback in an affair with someone else.
10. Your mate continually criticizes another person. She is trying to make you think that type of individual would never be of interest to her, although there actually exists a secret attraction.
11. Your mate criticizes things about you that he or she once found attractive and appealing.
12. Your mate easily becomes offended at the comments, however harmless, that you make.
13. Your mate stops paying attention to you, your children and home-life in general.
14. Your mate begins closing doors when you are around, when before he or she would leave them open. For instance, the Bathroom-Door Rule: Couples in long-term relationships often leave their bathroom doors open while attending to necessities even if their partners are nearby. As affairs develop, the cheating mates will close bathroom doors, distancing themselves physically and psychologically from their partners.
15. Your mate stops complimenting you on your looks.
16. Your mate stops saying, "I love you."
17. You mate acts guilty when you do something nice for him or her. You are supposed to be the person who is making life miserable and the relationship untenable. By doing something nice, you force the cheater to think about what he or she is doing.
18. Your mate turns the table and accuses you of cheating but has no evidence.
19. Your mate would rather spend time with friends than be with you.
20. Your mate shows no interest in your relationship's future.
21. Your mate stops being affectionate.
22. Your mate is more interested in reading a book or watching television than talking with you or making love to you.
23. Your mate frequently talks about the problems a friend, neighbor, co-worker, course instructor or classmate of the opposite sex is having.
24. Your mate begins using new catch phrases or starts to tell types of jokes or express opinions that are unusual for him or her.
25. Your mate pays less and less attention to your children. They seem to sense something is wrong and don't seem to be as emotionally healthy or secure as they once were.
26. Your mate has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn but when you ask about it, he doesn't want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy.
27. Your mate seems disinterested and distracted during sex.
28. Your mate talks in her sleep and mentions the name of a particular person on more than one occasion.
29. Your mate seems startled or confused when awakened. This uncertainty may be caused by not being sure which bedroom and which lover's bed he or she is in.
30. Your mate's behavior is such that your friends begin asking you what's wrong. Close friends and family members often will notice tension or discord between the two of you before you are fully aware of it.
31. Your mate easily becomes offended when you make normal and natural inquiries and may demand to know why you are checking up on him or her.
32. Your mate's sleeping pattern changes considerably from the norm and may include unexplainable exhaustion, restlessness, frequent nightmares and sleep-talking.
Monday, December 12, 2005
denan my love
i met this guy called Denan, he is so charming and cute
he is an economics grad working in an IT company.
my frens are so happy for me , even ask me to bring him for our Batam trip in Jan 2006
now my Denan is in KL, for business trip .
DENAN , I MISS YOU !
lots
he is an economics grad working in an IT company.
my frens are so happy for me , even ask me to bring him for our Batam trip in Jan 2006
now my Denan is in KL, for business trip .
DENAN , I MISS YOU !
lots
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
moving on
Although we learn from the past, it influences our future by making us weary of taking risks. I'm sure most of us have had our share of bad experiences and have sworn that we would never get hurt again. Women rip photographs of their boyfriends when their men upset them. You don't need to be told that men and women react differently to heartache, but one thing will never change: the ultimate vow that this will never happen again. Never ever again......
No one can undermine the pain and frustration felt when a lover breaks your heart. Heartache is the worst and shouldn't be bestowed upon even your worst enemy. While getting back into the game of dating and relationships after a past relationship seems frightening, it also serves the purpose of meeting new people to get your mind off the past. But the "past" never seems to leave for good and creeps up from the woodwork once you decide to become close with someone new.
No one can undermine the pain and frustration felt when a lover breaks your heart. Heartache is the worst and shouldn't be bestowed upon even your worst enemy. While getting back into the game of dating and relationships after a past relationship seems frightening, it also serves the purpose of meeting new people to get your mind off the past. But the "past" never seems to leave for good and creeps up from the woodwork once you decide to become close with someone new.
Annoying things men do
I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy.
Number 1
We leave a wake of empty containers
While we have no problem taking out our trash, we will go to almost superhuman lengths to avoid having to fill them up in the first place. We'll pour water into near-empty shampoo bottles to maximize whatever's left; we'll leave behind a thimbleful of milk in the carton instead of throwing it out. Heck, we'll even leave a toilet paper roll with one square remaining and wipe with our shirts if we have to. So long as there's just a teeny, tiny bit left, we won't be the ones responsible for disposing of it and, more importantly, buying a replacement.
Number 2
We splash the mirror when we brush our teeth
Let's face it: We're territorial creatures at best. If it were socially acceptable, we'd pee on all of our possessions just to scare away other men (maybe not on our supply of beer, but you get the idea). Therefore, leaving behind a little white glob of toothpaste after we've brushed is just our way of marking our territory. It says, "I've been here and I'm cavity-free."
Number 3
We leave hair in the sink after shaving
While we might like the result of a clean, smooth face, all men hate the actual process of shaving. It's time-consuming, painful and a miserable way to start the day. Therefore, as a sign of protest, we elect to leave our pesky little beard trimmings in the sink to show 'em who's boss. Women might hate it, but it's our way of celebrating victory in the battle against unwanted follicles.
Number 4
We use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one
When asked about his habit of taking baths, Winston Churchill once replied, "Why stand when you could sit?". The same rationale applies to the use of multiple glasses. Why use the same dirty, germ-ridden glass time after time when you could enjoy a crisp, sanitized one whenever you like? Not only is it healthier, but using different glasses for every drink helps us calculate if we've consumed our recommended eight daily doses of water. Besides, what fun is there in having possessions if you never use them?
Number 5
We pee on the toilet seat
Granted, this is one of our least pardonable offenses, but it wouldn't have to be if women simply left the toilet seat up in the first place. Ladies claim that it's good etiquette to leave the seat down, but the opposite is actually true. Consider this: Since women need to sit down to relieve themselves, it's easy for them to bring the seat down with them in one fluid motion. We men, on the other hand, have to bend down, lift the seat, begin peeing, and then bend down again to return the seat when we're done. We go to the washroom to pee, not to perform calisthenics.
Number 6
We litter the ground with laundry
"A place for everything and everything in its place," they say. Well, that's a nice idea, but who has the time? It's far more fun to throw our clothes here and there as if a bomb went off in our closet. Not only is it faster to treat the floor like a giant laundry basket, but we can amuse ourselves for hours afterwards as we dodge and deke our fallen clothes while moving from room to room.
Number 7
We don't do housework
When it comes to home repairs and renovations, men are king. We're unequalled in our ability to fix basement steps, patch up aluminum siding and build spice racks. When it comes to cleaning, however, we're lowly paupers without the faintest inclination to pitch in. We'll lift our feet if we have to, and we'll even move the odd piece of heavy furniture, but our contribution ends there. Hey, if God had wanted us to sweep and dust, he would have given us feathers instead of fingers.
Number 8
We burp & fart indiscriminately
Scientists and academics often comment upon what a shame it is that we use only 10% of our brains. For most men, the same reasoning applies to our sphincters and throats. Like any other part of our body, these muscles need to be kept in shape. And there's simply no better way of doing it than burping the alphabet or heating up a "Dutch Oven" under the sheets. Women needn't be disgusted by our behavior. In fact, they should be flattered that we're comfortable enough around them to risk sharting ourselves. At the end of the day, isn't that what love is all about?
Number 9
We develop a martyr complex when we get sick
When women get sick, they take the appropriate medicine and bivouac themselves in bed with a hot compress and a good book. When men get sick we go into a Shakespearian death throe, certain we're on the verge of sputtering out our last breath. We collapse wherever is convenient, be it on the bed or on the front lawn, and mutter, moan and groan until we've scared off every living creature (and turned on every male dog) in a six-mile radius. It's not subtle, but more often than not it gets us the attention we crave.
Number 10
We channel surf rapidly (and seemingly aimlessly)
As King of the Castle, we consider it our right to rule the remote control with an iron fist. For women, that means having to watch an endless parade of sports highlights, monster movies and home renovation shows. Making matters worse is the lightning-fast speeds at which we flip through the channels -- so fast as to trigger epileptic seizures seven households away. Hey, it's not our fault there are 501 channels.
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy.
Number 1
We leave a wake of empty containers
While we have no problem taking out our trash, we will go to almost superhuman lengths to avoid having to fill them up in the first place. We'll pour water into near-empty shampoo bottles to maximize whatever's left; we'll leave behind a thimbleful of milk in the carton instead of throwing it out. Heck, we'll even leave a toilet paper roll with one square remaining and wipe with our shirts if we have to. So long as there's just a teeny, tiny bit left, we won't be the ones responsible for disposing of it and, more importantly, buying a replacement.
Number 2
We splash the mirror when we brush our teeth
Let's face it: We're territorial creatures at best. If it were socially acceptable, we'd pee on all of our possessions just to scare away other men (maybe not on our supply of beer, but you get the idea). Therefore, leaving behind a little white glob of toothpaste after we've brushed is just our way of marking our territory. It says, "I've been here and I'm cavity-free."
Number 3
We leave hair in the sink after shaving
While we might like the result of a clean, smooth face, all men hate the actual process of shaving. It's time-consuming, painful and a miserable way to start the day. Therefore, as a sign of protest, we elect to leave our pesky little beard trimmings in the sink to show 'em who's boss. Women might hate it, but it's our way of celebrating victory in the battle against unwanted follicles.
Number 4
We use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one
When asked about his habit of taking baths, Winston Churchill once replied, "Why stand when you could sit?". The same rationale applies to the use of multiple glasses. Why use the same dirty, germ-ridden glass time after time when you could enjoy a crisp, sanitized one whenever you like? Not only is it healthier, but using different glasses for every drink helps us calculate if we've consumed our recommended eight daily doses of water. Besides, what fun is there in having possessions if you never use them?
Number 5
We pee on the toilet seat
Granted, this is one of our least pardonable offenses, but it wouldn't have to be if women simply left the toilet seat up in the first place. Ladies claim that it's good etiquette to leave the seat down, but the opposite is actually true. Consider this: Since women need to sit down to relieve themselves, it's easy for them to bring the seat down with them in one fluid motion. We men, on the other hand, have to bend down, lift the seat, begin peeing, and then bend down again to return the seat when we're done. We go to the washroom to pee, not to perform calisthenics.
Number 6
We litter the ground with laundry
"A place for everything and everything in its place," they say. Well, that's a nice idea, but who has the time? It's far more fun to throw our clothes here and there as if a bomb went off in our closet. Not only is it faster to treat the floor like a giant laundry basket, but we can amuse ourselves for hours afterwards as we dodge and deke our fallen clothes while moving from room to room.
Number 7
We don't do housework
When it comes to home repairs and renovations, men are king. We're unequalled in our ability to fix basement steps, patch up aluminum siding and build spice racks. When it comes to cleaning, however, we're lowly paupers without the faintest inclination to pitch in. We'll lift our feet if we have to, and we'll even move the odd piece of heavy furniture, but our contribution ends there. Hey, if God had wanted us to sweep and dust, he would have given us feathers instead of fingers.
Number 8
We burp & fart indiscriminately
Scientists and academics often comment upon what a shame it is that we use only 10% of our brains. For most men, the same reasoning applies to our sphincters and throats. Like any other part of our body, these muscles need to be kept in shape. And there's simply no better way of doing it than burping the alphabet or heating up a "Dutch Oven" under the sheets. Women needn't be disgusted by our behavior. In fact, they should be flattered that we're comfortable enough around them to risk sharting ourselves. At the end of the day, isn't that what love is all about?
Number 9
We develop a martyr complex when we get sick
When women get sick, they take the appropriate medicine and bivouac themselves in bed with a hot compress and a good book. When men get sick we go into a Shakespearian death throe, certain we're on the verge of sputtering out our last breath. We collapse wherever is convenient, be it on the bed or on the front lawn, and mutter, moan and groan until we've scared off every living creature (and turned on every male dog) in a six-mile radius. It's not subtle, but more often than not it gets us the attention we crave.
Number 10
We channel surf rapidly (and seemingly aimlessly)
As King of the Castle, we consider it our right to rule the remote control with an iron fist. For women, that means having to watch an endless parade of sports highlights, monster movies and home renovation shows. Making matters worse is the lightning-fast speeds at which we flip through the channels -- so fast as to trigger epileptic seizures seven households away. Hey, it's not our fault there are 501 channels.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Will you ?
Will You Marry Me?
Everyday I really felt like saying it out,But the words seems to be really hard enough,I can't stand the burden living without you, Oh No....
I really think you are the light of my life,When I see you it's like magic so bright,From that very moment I had fallen for you, Oh Yes...
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of dream, that I'll ever dream of,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,You really made me to love you, to love you so much,
Everytime I see you, I'll hide away,I'll feel shy and blush when you talk to me,I ain't brave enough to say these words aloud,
But then one day, I might get this chance,You'll look at me and smile in a way,I'll pull all the courage to say it out, aloud.. hmm...
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of thing that I've ever done,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,You really made me to love you, to love you so much,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of thing that I've ever done,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday really married you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,This dream of mine came true, finally came true...
Vincent Paul YongSomeday I Will Marry You
This is my very first song that I've ever written, back in the caveman days in the early 90's (1995 to be exact, WOW! 10 years!)
Kinda crappy isn't it? But to date, this song has been very close to my heart... Prolly, psychologically, deep inside me... there's a yearning within me to get married. LOL... It is a song I will definately sing on my Wedding Night!!
However that day will definately NOT be so soon after all, you'd prolly have to wait for ages! (like what my mom say, wait till neck stiff) ... However, my friends back in Third Form might have heard me singing this song. Guys, if you still have the Cassette Tape of my very first home recording.. its called "True Love." Hahahaha.. another crappy title for an album. Hahahha.. what to do, back in the 90's everyone was young, naive and desperately deprived of love. Well, its in that tape and also my second one "Time...Hope" which was ahem.. distributed for our Fifth Form farewell?? Go look for it.. it might just be a collector's item in the future.. WHO KNOWS? LOL... kidding.
Oh, By the way, That's Jojo Struys.... She's TO-DIE-FOR, who'll not fall for her head over heels and ask for her hand in marriage?!?! I KNOW I WOULD!
The Slacker OUT!
Everyday I really felt like saying it out,But the words seems to be really hard enough,I can't stand the burden living without you, Oh No....
I really think you are the light of my life,When I see you it's like magic so bright,From that very moment I had fallen for you, Oh Yes...
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of dream, that I'll ever dream of,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,You really made me to love you, to love you so much,
Everytime I see you, I'll hide away,I'll feel shy and blush when you talk to me,I ain't brave enough to say these words aloud,
But then one day, I might get this chance,You'll look at me and smile in a way,I'll pull all the courage to say it out, aloud.. hmm...
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of thing that I've ever done,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,You really made me to love you, to love you so much,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday I will marry you,It isn't any kind of thing that I've ever done,
Every minute thinking of you,Someday really married you,It's just all I'd ask, and it's all I'd want,This dream of mine came true, finally came true...
Vincent Paul YongSomeday I Will Marry You
This is my very first song that I've ever written, back in the caveman days in the early 90's (1995 to be exact, WOW! 10 years!)
Kinda crappy isn't it? But to date, this song has been very close to my heart... Prolly, psychologically, deep inside me... there's a yearning within me to get married. LOL... It is a song I will definately sing on my Wedding Night!!
However that day will definately NOT be so soon after all, you'd prolly have to wait for ages! (like what my mom say, wait till neck stiff) ... However, my friends back in Third Form might have heard me singing this song. Guys, if you still have the Cassette Tape of my very first home recording.. its called "True Love." Hahahaha.. another crappy title for an album. Hahahha.. what to do, back in the 90's everyone was young, naive and desperately deprived of love. Well, its in that tape and also my second one "Time...Hope" which was ahem.. distributed for our Fifth Form farewell?? Go look for it.. it might just be a collector's item in the future.. WHO KNOWS? LOL... kidding.
Oh, By the way, That's Jojo Struys.... She's TO-DIE-FOR, who'll not fall for her head over heels and ask for her hand in marriage?!?! I KNOW I WOULD!
The Slacker OUT!
to my boyfren
Through the fire, to the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire, through whatever come my way
For a chance at loving you, I'd take it all the way...
Right down to the wire, even through the fire
I was blue, just as blue as I could be
Ev’ry day was a cloudy day for me
Then good luck came a-knocking at my door
Skies were gray but they’re not gray anymore
Blue skiesSmiling at me
Nothing but blue skies
Do I see
BluebirdsSinging a song
Nothing but bluebirdsAll day long
Never saw the sun shining so bright
Never saw things going so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you’re in love, my how they fly
Blue days
All of them gone
Nothing but blue skies
From now on
I should care if the wind
I should care if the wind blows east or west
I should fret if the worst looks like the best
I should mind if they say it can’t be true
I should smile, that’s exactly what I do
For a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire, through whatever come my way
For a chance at loving you, I'd take it all the way...
Right down to the wire, even through the fire
I was blue, just as blue as I could be
Ev’ry day was a cloudy day for me
Then good luck came a-knocking at my door
Skies were gray but they’re not gray anymore
Blue skiesSmiling at me
Nothing but blue skies
Do I see
BluebirdsSinging a song
Nothing but bluebirdsAll day long
Never saw the sun shining so bright
Never saw things going so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you’re in love, my how they fly
Blue days
All of them gone
Nothing but blue skies
From now on
I should care if the wind
I should care if the wind blows east or west
I should fret if the worst looks like the best
I should mind if they say it can’t be true
I should smile, that’s exactly what I do
Men vs. Women
Handwriting:
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
jokes
Funniest Joke in the World (according to Yahoo! October 3, 2002):
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Runner Up:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Another Runner Up:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Still Another Runner Up:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
One More Runner Up:
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
And Still Another Runner Up:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Amazing - Another Runner Up:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.
Last Runner Up:
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”
thanks to this website
http://funny2.com/gifts.htm
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Runner Up:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Another Runner Up:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Still Another Runner Up:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
One More Runner Up:
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
And Still Another Runner Up:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Amazing - Another Runner Up:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.
Last Runner Up:
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”
thanks to this website
http://funny2.com/gifts.htm
Men rules part2
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
What To Say To Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?". Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family & Friends Plan, reply in as Sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" then hang up.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack you food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?". Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family & Friends Plan, reply in as Sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" then hang up.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack you food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
Employee Handbook
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
THANK YOU!
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
THANK YOU!
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
what women say and what they mean
ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Pick up lines
When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you.
Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!
You sure have a great looking tooth.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.
Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Falling for you would be a very short trip.
Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.
Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.
You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.
Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.
I think I’ve just found the angel I’d like to be touched by.
Can I lick that film off your teeth?
Don't be so picky....I wasn't!
You look a lot like my future wife.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
My name is [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
(Look at his / her shirt label) When they say, "What are you doing?", you say, "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Can you give me directions...to your heart?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll still make your bed rock.
Howard Daughters
Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!
You sure have a great looking tooth.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.
Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Falling for you would be a very short trip.
Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.
Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.
You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.
Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.
I think I’ve just found the angel I’d like to be touched by.
Can I lick that film off your teeth?
Don't be so picky....I wasn't!
You look a lot like my future wife.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
My name is [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
(Look at his / her shirt label) When they say, "What are you doing?", you say, "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Can you give me directions...to your heart?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'll still make your bed rock.
Howard Daughters
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