Judging your potential life partner

Love may be blind but you need to be rational when you choose your spouse. Look for jarring habits, and listen early on for the thinking behind what your beloved says.

Committment to someone for life can be an excruxiatingly long, or short, experience. It depends on two things:

(a) whether you approach the lifelong partnership in the spirit of love and growth for the both of you

(b) whether you are lucky enough to have tied up with an agreeable, caring and loving person.

You have much influence over the former, but much less control over the latter.

A couple I know have just split up. She walked out on him. I asked him if he wanted her back. His reply was interesting: ‘I want back the woman I married thirteen years ago.’ I pointed out to him that he couldn’t have that person back because, in the thirteen years since they had married, she had changed – just as he had. He was adamant. I doubt they will get back together, which is sad.

Both will feel a sense of failure, and blame each other. Their children may be hurt. Maybe they will find other partners. The pain goes out from them to others who know them.

Would more careful choosing at the start have saved all this agony?

We shall never know. What we do know is that many failed marriages could have been much happier if some basic rules were observed at the beginning. They are often ignored because love is blind. There is a time during which the couple think that all their differences can be overcome by love. They find out later that they cannot.

Yes, it’s the differences that we need to think about. It’s a very good idea to have a few different interests, but only a few. It’s an excellent idea to have some points on which the political, social, religious views differ, but only some. It’s great to have had slightly different backgrounds so that you can each learn from the other the joys of a new culture or a new style of life. But the differences should be slight, not massive.

The importance of many common values, understandings and aspirations cannot be overstated.

We all know the old saying that every woman thinks her husband-to-be will change for the better after marriage, but he doesn’t. We also know that every man believes that his wife will not change after marriage, but she does. It’s how both partners adapt to change that matters.

So as you sit down to that first evening to dine or talk or coffee house, what should you look for to discover if the person opposite you would make a good spouse?

The first, and I think the most important thing, is the strange little characteristics of the other person. A very loud laugh, a tendency to need to brush the hair from the face, a lack of consideration for you when they are about to eat or drink, rough treatment of others, nasty gossip. As you get drawn into love you will see these as charming, endearing idiosyncrasies. After a few months they will become irritating, perhaps maddening. Watch for them early on. If you can adapt to them, they don’t matter. If they ’jar’ with you now, they will do so forever.

Observe the person’s attitudes to other people, to service (doing a job well), to money, to ambitions, to travel, to home life, to religion, to health.

When we first meet someone we admire or think we might love, we are very busy presenting ourselves to the best advantage. Is our clothing tidy, are we being impressive, are we witty and amusing?

We should instead concentrate on learning about the other person. Observe their habits, their self-awareness, their emotional intelligence, their natural kindness, their concern for you. How they behave now is very much how they are going to behave in the future.

Ask questions. There is no simpler way to get informed than asking questions. Ask what they like and dislike. Ask when they have been happiest and saddest. Ask about their home life, school, education, jobs. Ask about their attitudes to other people you may both know, to public figures, to world situations.

Ask them how they would change the world if they could, where they would live if they had total choice, what would be the thing they would most like to achieve in life. In the end it doesn’t matter all that much what you ask. You just want to find out all about them.

You should also listen well. They are sending you all sorts of coded messages in their answers. If you really pay attention you will learn at least five times as much as if you don’t.

"We are not declared by our answers but by the meaning behind those answers."

We all need to love and to be loved. Your ideal partner is one who will love you even more than you love them. And their ideal partner is one who will love them even more than they love you.

Good luck on the love trail. Make it as rational as you can.