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Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand-J** $10.00
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Checking his wallet, he finds one single 10 dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-j**s?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am!"
The man replies, "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
hahaha>>>
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
When he arrived in the attendants' ladies' room, he found four marked buttons, next to the paper rolls:
WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to women, he disregarded what the flight attendant said, as his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.
He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice! So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
Ahhh, he thought, No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the plane's ladies' room.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
hahaha>>>
Signs that you are drunk
1- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2- You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3- Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6- You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?!?!?
8- You complain that you have two hands and just one mouth to drink with.
9- Every woman you see has an identical twin.
10- You fall off the floor.
11- The shrubbery around your house is drunk too, from frequent watering.
12- Your idea of cutting back is having less salt with your tequila.
13- Every night, you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
14- Roseanne looks good to you.
15- You've fallen and can't get up.
16- You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17- You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
hahaha>>>>
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be telling you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Sharon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
hahaha>>>
25 Facts about women
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand."
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rainforest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days' worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea of how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible." Hmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do not want an honest answer to the question, "How do I look?"
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that.) PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man women see is "Ken."
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast size.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have five pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have five pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels."
41. Women want equal rights, but they rarely want the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Only women understand the reason for "the good china."
43. If a man ticks off a woman, she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover that warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up, thus it constantly gets peed on by guys (which gets them in more trouble).
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt-leap toward the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, but you don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh my God, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
hahaha>>>
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason why e-mail is like a penis:
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!
hahaha>>>
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