Annoying things men do

I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy.


Number 1
We leave a wake of empty containers
While we have no problem taking out our trash, we will go to almost superhuman lengths to avoid having to fill them up in the first place. We'll pour water into near-empty shampoo bottles to maximize whatever's left; we'll leave behind a thimbleful of milk in the carton instead of throwing it out. Heck, we'll even leave a toilet paper roll with one square remaining and wipe with our shirts if we have to. So long as there's just a teeny, tiny bit left, we won't be the ones responsible for disposing of it and, more importantly, buying a replacement.


Number 2
We splash the mirror when we brush our teeth
Let's face it: We're territorial creatures at best. If it were socially acceptable, we'd pee on all of our possessions just to scare away other men (maybe not on our supply of beer, but you get the idea). Therefore, leaving behind a little white glob of toothpaste after we've brushed is just our way of marking our territory. It says, "I've been here and I'm cavity-free."


Number 3
We leave hair in the sink after shaving
While we might like the result of a clean, smooth face, all men hate the actual process of shaving. It's time-consuming, painful and a miserable way to start the day. Therefore, as a sign of protest, we elect to leave our pesky little beard trimmings in the sink to show 'em who's boss. Women might hate it, but it's our way of celebrating victory in the battle against unwanted follicles.


Number 4
We use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one
When asked about his habit of taking baths, Winston Churchill once replied, "Why stand when you could sit?". The same rationale applies to the use of multiple glasses. Why use the same dirty, germ-ridden glass time after time when you could enjoy a crisp, sanitized one whenever you like? Not only is it healthier, but using different glasses for every drink helps us calculate if we've consumed our recommended eight daily doses of water. Besides, what fun is there in having possessions if you never use them?


Number 5
We pee on the toilet seat
Granted, this is one of our least pardonable offenses, but it wouldn't have to be if women simply left the toilet seat up in the first place. Ladies claim that it's good etiquette to leave the seat down, but the opposite is actually true. Consider this: Since women need to sit down to relieve themselves, it's easy for them to bring the seat down with them in one fluid motion. We men, on the other hand, have to bend down, lift the seat, begin peeing, and then bend down again to return the seat when we're done. We go to the washroom to pee, not to perform calisthenics.

Number 6
We litter the ground with laundry
"A place for everything and everything in its place," they say. Well, that's a nice idea, but who has the time? It's far more fun to throw our clothes here and there as if a bomb went off in our closet. Not only is it faster to treat the floor like a giant laundry basket, but we can amuse ourselves for hours afterwards as we dodge and deke our fallen clothes while moving from room to room.


Number 7
We don't do housework
When it comes to home repairs and renovations, men are king. We're unequalled in our ability to fix basement steps, patch up aluminum siding and build spice racks. When it comes to cleaning, however, we're lowly paupers without the faintest inclination to pitch in. We'll lift our feet if we have to, and we'll even move the odd piece of heavy furniture, but our contribution ends there. Hey, if God had wanted us to sweep and dust, he would have given us feathers instead of fingers.


Number 8
We burp & fart indiscriminately
Scientists and academics often comment upon what a shame it is that we use only 10% of our brains. For most men, the same reasoning applies to our sphincters and throats. Like any other part of our body, these muscles need to be kept in shape. And there's simply no better way of doing it than burping the alphabet or heating up a "Dutch Oven" under the sheets. Women needn't be disgusted by our behavior. In fact, they should be flattered that we're comfortable enough around them to risk sharting ourselves. At the end of the day, isn't that what love is all about?


Number 9
We develop a martyr complex when we get sick
When women get sick, they take the appropriate medicine and bivouac themselves in bed with a hot compress and a good book. When men get sick we go into a Shakespearian death throe, certain we're on the verge of sputtering out our last breath. We collapse wherever is convenient, be it on the bed or on the front lawn, and mutter, moan and groan until we've scared off every living creature (and turned on every male dog) in a six-mile radius. It's not subtle, but more often than not it gets us the attention we crave.

Number 10
We channel surf rapidly (and seemingly aimlessly)
As King of the Castle, we consider it our right to rule the remote control with an iron fist. For women, that means having to watch an endless parade of sports highlights, monster movies and home renovation shows. Making matters worse is the lightning-fast speeds at which we flip through the channels -- so fast as to trigger epileptic seizures seven households away. Hey, it's not our fault there are 501 channels.