How to be a Bitch

Step OneThink about numero uno.
The reason a woman or sometimes a man can be classified as a bitch is primarily because they are only concerned with themselves. If you think about yourself ahead of all others, you are placing yourself in the prime position to become a bitch. From now on it's not about anybody else but you. You do what you want, talk to who you want, have sex with who you want, all of which are aimed at fulfilling your needs. Why? Because you are starting to be a bitch.

2Step Two

Drop the nice act. Are you always going the extra mile to help a friend? Are you always putting in the extra five bucks when everybody goes out? Then don't. Stop. Don't say please, don't say thank you. Expect people to help you. Tell them why they must help you and put you above others. Be blatant, be demanding and...just be a bitch!


3Step Three

Seek revenge. If someone has screwed you, if someone has been a bitch to you in the past, now it's time to give it right back to them. Mark your target and go after them blatantly. Once you have your mark, find out what really excites them, pleases them, or makes them happy, and absolutely destroy it for them. If your co-worker has to leave early and you're always getting stuck with her extra work, next time she tries to pull it, leave the pile of work on desk and simply walk out. Tell her it's her responsibility. Other tricks great for revenge are blatantly ratting someone out, forward embarrassing emails, pictures or telling wildly inappropriate stories about them in front of their parents. Like the time they had sex in the bathroom at Thanksgiving. Perfect!


4Step Four

Keep it up. A bitch isn't simply a snide woman one day and then completely fine the next. That can just get chalked up to PMS. No, a bitch is a woman who keeps up her bitchiness for long periods of time. She denies sex for long periods of time, refuses to assist people, puts herself head and shoulders above everyone, her favorite word is "no." This is not to say that a bitch can't be nice now and again. But if she is, it is only used as a tool to get what she wants. And the fact that she is nice surprises everyone around her. Congratulations, by following these steps, you are officially a bitch!